I seem to be latching on to a thread of inspiration in writing this post. I was inspired by a post Sarah wrote today…and Sarah was inspired by Alan…and Alan was inspired by Steve. (Sounds almost like a genealogy, doesn’t it?) And our posts aren’t about exactly the same thing, but they all resonate from a similar theme: the disconnectedness believers often feel in church.
Here are some highlights from Sarah’s post:
“…I found it easier to develop meaningful relationships of depth with other believers once I was outside the walls than when I was within. Making friends in church is like trying to get to know people by always going to the movies together.”
“The difficulty I have found is that believers here are not interested in being friends with you or having relationship with you unless you sign up for their program, or get recruited to their project.”
I have found this second statement to be especially true in the place where I live. With a few exceptions, it feels like every Christian is all about having you join their stuff. I almost hate saying this, because I do desire to be interconnected with the Body of Christ. But in these parts, especially, my first impulse in meeting other Christians is suspicion–especially with those who wear their Christianity on their proverbial sleeve–because it seems like everyone has an agenda when they approach you. And when you do not show immediate interest…they stop being interested in you.
One sees this play out especially when one has something that church leaders covet–like a musical gift, for example. You’d be surprised (or perhaps you wouldn’t be) by how many times I’ve been approached to abandon my own group to be a worship leader at some other church. Another way it’s happened is that a church leader shows interest in supporting a project we are doing–but only if we bring it under that leader’s umbrella.
I understand this thinking, because I used to think this way. I was one of the guys with an agenda, too. And it’s understandable to some level, because when you undertake something, you want to gather people around to help it succeed. It’s not that having a project or a goal or an agenda is inherently evil. What makes it bad is when it becomes more important than relationship–or even worse, when relationship is contingent on it.
What makes it bad is when all this agenda stuff happens under the guise of “relationship” and “friendship”–when overtures are made in the name of relationship, but it turns out it was really all about the “vision” (and yes, sadly, I’ve been guilty of that, too). And when someone doesn’t want to play anymore…they are kicked to the curb and forgotten. Because in the end, it wasn’t really about the people–it was about the agenda. Relationship was just the bait.
With all this kind of stuff swirling around the church, I guess it’s little wonder that we’ve forgotten that the church is people, and as such, relationship should exist for its own sake. Yes, there is mission, too; we shouldn’t have one without the other. It’s just that the one should not be conditional to the other, or be disguised as the other. That’s dishonest.
I don’t mean to sound jaded here. Believe me, I still believe in friendship and genuine fellowship with other believers, and I put a very high premium on relationship. In fact, I totally understand the disconnected feeling, the feeling of being alone even in a crowd of believers. Like so many of us, I crave true fellowship. But I’m only interested in the genuine article, thankyouverymuch. I don’t much fancy being a friend of convenience to serve someone else’s agenda; I’ve learned, from both sides of the equation, that people only feel used when we do that kind of thing. As much as we all need love, acceptance, and belonging–the last thing we need is to be baiting each other by pushing those buttons to serve our own purposes. As the Scripture puts it: “Let love be without hypocrisy.” Love needs to be for real.
I’m not put off or offended by projects or worthwhile efforts; heck, go ahead and network all you like. But call it what it is. If you want to share your project with me, have at it. If you want to be my friend–be my friend. But don’t feign friendship to get me hooked up with your gig. I can smell that crap a mile away.
And so can most people.
Wayward Son
Musician. Composer. Recovering perfectionist. Minister-in-transition. Lover of puns. Hijacker of rock song references. Questioner of the status quo.
I'm not really a rebel. Just a sincere Christ-follower with a thirst for significance that gets me into trouble. My quest has taken me over the fence of institutional Christianity. Here are some of my random thoughts along the way. Read along, join in the conversation. Just be nice.
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Jeff,
Excellent post. Your experience, Sarah’s, Alan’s and Steves contain MANY familiar and similar things to my own experience.
Lately, I’ve really been wanting just to be all-out real, honest, and authentic in my friendships. I loved Darin’s most recent Podcast “The Friendless Generation.” On it, Kim really talked about simply not wanting to both be fake, or have friends who, for the most part, excude “fake-ness.” I can really relate to her. Sure, we all have our moments of not being true to ourselves, but quite honestly, for the most part, I honestly think I am being real. Take me as I am…and as well, if you are true to yourself (integrity) I love that and will accept, respect and be your friend.
I love what you said here:
“Because in the end, it wasn’t really about the people–it was about the agenda. Relationship was just the bait…With all this kind of stuff swirling around the church, I guess it’s little wonder that we’ve forgotten that the church is people, and as such, relationship should exist for its own sake.”
Blessings,
~Amy 🙂
Hi Jeff,
I have had similar thoughts to those expressed here as well. It took me awhile to come to this conclusion, (valid one)that, it wasn’t really primarily about relationship at all (within the church ) for the most part that is. I accepted this when quickly the phone stopped ringing (didn’t take long) and people soon passed me by quite easily in fact – here and there – without even any longer recognizing me as a matter of fact. Man that hurt. I just no longer fit. What a harsh wakeup call this was. But thank God for waking us up and letting us truly see the true nature of things on the inside. It ain’t pretty. But anyhow, now we truly have the opportunity to build relationship with others. WE know (hopefully) that is TRULY what it’s all about.
Jesus was totally that way too. He kept telling people to “follow me” and when they wouldn’t he would stop hanging out with them…
🙂
Okay, just a little humor there brother. I do think you are on to something. we should be willing to love one another even if we don’t have the same interests.
In Atlanta, my five best friends are:
1) a Pentacostal guy I work with, 2) a guy I go to church with that’s not in my home group, 3) a guy that’s in my home group that doesn’t go to my church, 4) a guy I work with that’s also in my home group, and 5) a Jewish guy that says he’s “not that religious”.
🙂
Jeff,
Good post. It didn’t take me very long to catch on to this pattern of church associations. This is just a really phoney way to operate. Especially since christians claim to be following Jesus, who is all about authenticity.
To appear to be in relationship when there is a cause that unites. Then as soon as one of those people involved no longer participates, the relationship is just over as quickly as it began.
It’s very empty, not to mention very sad. You’re correct to say most people can smell this kind of thing from a mile away.
I believe that’s exactly why Jesus said that the world will know we are truly Christian by our love toward one another.
Blessings,
Gary
Amy,
I have developed a severe distaste for fakeness in relationships. I know fakeness happens everywhere, not just in church. The world is full of posers, and recovering posers. 😉 But when it *does* happen in church…I just don’t have the stomach for it anymore.
Ruth,
I can understand how it would hurt to not even be recognized. Almost as much as when they pretend they don’t see you. 🙂
J.R.,
LOL. Come to think of it, Jesus didn’t make it easy, did He? He was very popular when He was passing out loaves and fishes, but then He had to go and do the eat-my-flesh-and-drink-my-blood speech. 🙂
Seriously, though…I think it’s natural that people gravitate to others with common interests, and nothing wrong with that. I’m primiarly talking about when Christians make overtures of friendship with an agenda attached, usually some sort of ministry project, or to get you to come to their church. We Christians often treat unsaved friends the same way–show interest until they tell us they don’t want to come to our church, then drop them. 🙂
Aaroneous,
What a diverse type guy you are! 🙂 In my comment to J.R., I referred to people having friendship based on common interests. At the same time…I actually really like having people in my life who are different than I am.
Gary,
Good point about how the world knows we are His disciples. Seems like we’ve gone far away from that truth when we base our relationships on agenda rather than love.