Not too long ago, I posted a question: “What is ‘spiritual’?” Thanks for your answers.
I continue to ponder this line of thinking a bit. When I wrote about how I’m doing, I talked mainly about specifics relating to our transition to Denver from Tulsa, and getting our feet under us. But I’ve also been thinking about where I’m at from a spiritual perspective, and where my spiritual journey away from “church-as usual” has taken me thus far.
I think the worship leading thing–being in regular contact with an institutional church group again–has got me thinking about this; because when you’re out of the “loop” for awhile, you almost forget what your journey looked like in a different context. Rubbing shoulders again with folks with the institutional church paradigm, I see a bit of myself in them, and I remember the lens through which I used to view my faith in Christ, and how it played out in my activities and behavior.
As a complement to the good folks I’m worshiping with…overall, they are among the least “churchy” churchgoers I’ve seen that still meet in an institutional setting–and they’re not even trying to be “emergent”. 🙂 By this I mean they are just kind of normal people–not a lot of uber-religious types among them, not a lot of Christianese jargon going around; they ask how you’re doing, they talk about life, sports–just regular, relaxed stuff. And for the most part, they seem to be connecting with God within this format–and that’s the priority, as far as I’m concerned.
But having seen the institutional paradigm both from within and without…I realize it comes with its own set of filters, its particular way of looking at spiritual life. It sets up certain priorities above others as to what healthy spiritual living looks like. And in principle, those priorities are not all bad–many are honest attempts to be Biblical and promote Christlikeness. And this is forcing me to ask some questions that, when I was away from this culture, I could kind of keep on the shelf.
Let’s get specific. The typical church paradigm for healthy Christianity involves what we consider to be spiritual disciplines. Worship. Scripture study and meditation. Reflection. Prayer. Fasting, even. [shudder] (There are other spiritual disciplines too, that many churches ignore–social justice issues, serving the poor and afflicted, etc.–but that’s a different post. For now, I’m talking primarily about those values we see as vertical more than horizontal, if you get my meaning.)
The thing is–these disciplines are legitimate. No matter how “deconstructed” we get, we can’t write these out of the Scriptures; and if we’re following Christ, these are values we mustn’t dispense with. And yet, admittedly, during this extended period of detoxing, I feel like I’ve gotten pretty relaxed about a lot of this stuff. And I think I’ve needed to, honestly, and I have continued to feel God’s presence with me in the process. But being near a culture where these values are urged and promoted again, and recognizing their importance…I am challenged again as to what role things like prayer and study should play in my relationship with God.
As I said–I know why I’ve had a bit of an aversion to pressing myself to read my Bible and pray. Even while I while I acknowledge their importance, I push back against them on the inside. And here’s why: I have never known these things to be done without some form of religion attached to them. I’ve only known how to pray religiously, to study religiously, to fast religiously. I love Jesus; I loathe religion. I’ve had to take a break from being “disciplined” about these disciplines because the religion I walked in was so toxic. And I simply can’t abide the idea of going back to it.
In other words–sadly, I don’t perceive prayer as much of a spiritual discipline. I still perceive it as a religious duty. Even after all this time. I know in my mind it isn’t true; but in my heart it is still the “truth” I live out. I do pray, and read my Bible. I do talk to God. And I certainly value the truth of the Scripture that I have hid in my heart. But I’m still in that place of figuring out how to do it without the religious implications–how to read my Bible because I’m hungry for God’s words to me, rather than out of guilt for not having done so. And so there is this dilemma–knowing how important these things are, but not knowing how to do them without falling back into a religious mindset. Like religion has ruined these things for me. It truly is sad, isn’t it? Do you feel sorry for me? 🙂
At this point, quite often, there is some well-meaning Christian who wants to tell me to read a certain book, or listen to a certain teacher to clarify it for me. Please don’t. That isn’t going to be helpful. The last thing I need right now is to hear from someone who thinks they have it figured out–even if what they might say is legitimate. Whatever resolution comes of this–and I’m confident there will be a resolution–I have to own it for myself. And for that matter, so do you. The reason I even get this vulnerable about it is that I know that I can’t be the only one who feels these things, and sometimes it helps at least to know you’re not nuts for feeling them, that others are going through a similar dilemma.
And so, I actually think this is a healthy stage of the journey for me. I know I can’t go back to how I was, and I know I can’t throw out things like prayer, nor will I. So I am pondering what a deconstructed spirituality looks like–how it fleshes out to integrate these elements into your life without the religion hanging onto them. It simply has to be possible.
And for me, this is where the conversation about what “spiritual” means comes into play. Because as some of you said, and I agree–everything, potentially, is spiritual for the one whose life is lived unto God. Spirituality isn’t something we turn on and off. We are spiritual beings by nature. As far as I know how, I am trying to live in the truth of this. Prayer isn’t a “time” for me; it’s an ongoing conversation with God as I walk through the day. Doesn’t that count? Sure it does. And even if I don’t crack open my Bible at 8:00 AM every day, doesn’t it count when I recall His word in my mind and heart, weighing it against my everyday decisions and actions? Sure it does.
Honestly, these are the ways it means something to me. There was a time when my prayer time was carefully guarded, and I’d come out of that prayer closet and act like an ungodly moron–but at least I could say I prayed and read my Bible. These days, I’m more concerned about acting like Jesus outside the prayer closet than I am about whether I happened to visit the prayer closet that day. Isn’t that where spirituality really counts–in our everydays?
Sure it is. 🙂
I sure don’t claim to have this figured out yet. But maybe I am closer than I think.
Wayward Son
Musician. Composer. Recovering perfectionist. Minister-in-transition. Lover of puns. Hijacker of rock song references. Questioner of the status quo.
I'm not really a rebel. Just a sincere Christ-follower with a thirst for significance that gets me into trouble. My quest has taken me over the fence of institutional Christianity. Here are some of my random thoughts along the way. Read along, join in the conversation. Just be nice.
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I'm totally with you, although I don't think I have got as far along as you. Does that make you feel any better? 😉
Some things that you say that particularly resonate with me:
"when you're out of the "loop" for awhile, you almost forget what your journey looked like in a different context." I haven't been out long enough yet to tell.
"the institutional paradigm …. comes with its own set of filters, its particular way of looking at spiritual life." I like your analogy of filters–it makes complete sense. Kinda like sunglasses–you don't really see things in their true colors.
"extended period of detoxing" "the religion I walked in was so toxic." I think that is what I have just begun to do, by not attending churches similar to where I have been attending. I'm 'playing the field', checking out what God is doing on other sides of the spectrum.
"I have never known these things to be done without some form of religion attached to them." I appreciate that you aren't saying they can only be done religiously, but that that is how you have been exposed to them–and probably most of us. Profound thought.
"I know that I can't be the only one who feels these things, and sometimes it helps at least to know you're not nuts for feeling them, that others are going through a similar dilemma." Like I said, I think you are farther along than I am, so what you say helps me to know I'm not nuts. That truly is a blessing.
"Isn't that where spirituality really counts–in our everydays?
Sure it is. :)" Yes, Jeff, I believe it is.
"I sure don't claim to have this figured out yet. But maybe I am closer than I think." Ditto on the first part, and I also hope ditto on the second.
Excellent post, bro.
I too am in extended detox… my religious training dating back to the first weeks of my life–the new PK was in church from (almost)day one! Didn't learn about the possiblity of being in Christ until many years later.
But I'm learning…
About this prayer thing your talking about, I too have been trying to "do prayer" "non-religiously"! Are these our only 2 choices, religiously or not at all!? I hope not. I'm thinking maybe there is a 3rd; that we can learn to pray(that word even, is so heavy with religious connotations) relationaly, just as Jesus talked/communed/conversed/chatted/prayed–pick one (or more…?)) to/with his father. Since He now calls me friend, maybe my relationship with him should be lived in and more freely move in that direction…
Good thought provoking artical. Thanks
I am so glad that there is at least one person on the planet that thinks the same way I do.. Of course that could be a little scary.. LOL
Good job..
sabrina
sabrinanothingtoloose.blogspot.com
God did not give us a comic book. But precisely because the Bible is so challenging, it's satisfying. God treats us like adults.
There's something about our culture that leaves us men feeling deeply trivialized: "My capabilities are video games, pornography and goofing off, I will never change, and I see no reason to change." Then along comes the gospel and tells us that we matter to God. Along comes theological grandeur that lifts our minds into lofty things. Along comes the cause of Christ that gets us working in ways that will still matter a bazillion years from now.
At the center of this revolution is the Bible. It gets us reading and thinking and studying and discussing and going deeper than we've ever gone before, deeper than we've ever dreamed of going.
Thank God for the Bible. Difficult, but not impossible.
Jeff – this is a bit weird, and might seem a bit like a suck-up comment, but . . .
Since I was introduced to your blog recently, and became aware that you were moving to Colorado (I'm in Greeley), I've carried the expectation that we will eventually meet. (I know that's creepy, but I'm not a stalker.) Today's still not the right time, but eventually.
Posts like this reaffirm that expectation and make me look forward to it.
The tension between the legalist and the mystic creates a large space where rules are subject to relationship and movement. Although, I believe that wholeheartedly, my religious alarms tell me to be careful with such statements, like pulling a knife from the block on top of our refrigerator (kept there to prevent the kids from reaching them) generates a cautionary response to handle it with care.
In other words, I get what you're saying and agree.
Dale, you bring up a point–reading someone's innermost thoughts on a blog definitely makes you want to meet them in person. I guess face-to-face will always be better than computer to computer.
I'm reading 'An Emergent Manifesto' (http://www.amazon.com/Emergent-Manifesto-Hope-emersion-communities/dp/080106807X) . The chapter by Troy Bronsink defines discipline as: "the effort to create some space in which God can act. Discipline means to prevent everything in your life from being filled up."
I think that idea kind of fits with your idea, Jeff, of keeping the spiritual disciplines from being religious. If their purpose is to leave room for God, they should have nothing to do with duty. If anything, they should create freedom.
Al,
Good thoughts, in both your comments. Thanks for chiming in.
wildenworks,
If the only two options for prayer are religiously or not at all…then Jesus was more religious than any of us. (Nope.) So I am with you in that there has to be a better way to engage God in prayer. It's in figuring out what that looks like when you've never ever seen it modeled–that's the rub, isn't it? 🙂
Sabrina, if it's just you and me, maybe we should start our own asylum? 😀 LOL
Dale,
I don't know about meeting…I mean, you might be a psychopath…
Kidding. 🙂 I can relate to the "handle with care" analogy with the knives in that the last thing we want to do in shedding religion is to create a new one in its place. In doing a house church for 10 years, I still believe anyone who says house church is the only way to go has become religious about house church. Don't wanna do that…and likewise I don't want to create new sets of blanket statements to replace the ones I used to make.
On the first point, joking aside…if God has our paths to cross at some point, I'll look forward to that.
Most people who spend a lot of time in prayer, and enjoy it, seem to have a special grace from the Lord for it. To them, it's not work; it's an awesome experience.
RE: "[A] Jesus… more religious than any of us."
Big grin, while trying to picture a religious praying Jesus! (Bobbled head with folded praying hands dancing on my dashboard?) Sorry… I'll (try to) get serious…
RE: "It's in figuring out what [engaging God in prayer] looks like when you've never ever seen it modeled–that's the rub, isn't it? 🙂
There is the rub, having seen it modeled in so many ways other than His… What is the "normal Christain" prayer life? And yet it occures to me that we do have a model. I've been challenged here recently by Jesus' admonition for me to "walk as he walked." Jesus said he did and said only the things that His father gave him to do and say… I guess it's right here where I need the "discipline"you spoke of–the discipline of making room for more of Jesus' teaching Spirit who wants to guide me into all that truth… into being a sheep hearing the shepherds voice and then better/more often speaking with the Spirit's voice.
The rub then in the "normal Christian church" may be that we don't see more of a Spirit directed body because that norm is not what's modeled, learning to collectivly listen to Father's voice and speaking(then prophetically) as he directs, along with the Spirit's other giftings… We tend much of the time to see a body directed by our best efforts/creativity/etc. How much of what we do in "the gathering" is only, as was Jesus' case, what he would have us speak and do?
How much of his power really is present with us? How much of what we have is really only a form of Godliness with too little of his power?
The answer maybe isn't to be found in my questions/problems for/with "the normal church" but may be found in this: how's my walk? How's my walk as he walked doing!!? Have I first learned normal from Jesus? …'Cause changed churches come as a result of the ripples of Spirit taught/changed individuals….
~~rob