April 9, 2009 by

Why the Heart of Every Man Should Be Breaking

31 comments

Categories: food for thought, healing wounds, Rantings

This post was inspired by (and is somewhat in response to) a post by Jeromy Johnson. 
I remembered hearing about a moment of truth that occured a number of years ago at a conference for a certain denomination. For many years, that denomination’s rules and tradition was that any ordained minister that went through a divorce was permanently disqualified from pastoral service. At the conference, they announced a relaxing of these rules, that after a period of restoration, a divorced minister could be reinstated. I am certain that they meant this to be good news.
But when they made the announcement, a man in his 80’s stood and addressed the group in a broken voice. In summary, he said this: “When I was a young man, just entering ministry, my wife divorced me. Although I did not want the divorce, I lost my ministry platform, and never have been able to return to the pulpit. Even so, I have served faithfully within this denomination for my entire life, serving in whatever capacities I was allowed. And now, when I am too old to do anything about it–you simply tell me the rules are changing, that this was a mistake? For my entire life, my gift has sat upon the shelf because of this one rule!”
The reason I share this story is to uncover an even deeper tragedy. You see, at least this man lived to see positive change take place. But there are millions more in the church, both living and dead, who have spent their whole lives with legitimate gifts and callings of God, unable to use them to their fullest measure–not because they were divorced, or in sin, or rebellious…but because they were not born male.
This was one man who fell through the cracks because of his denomination’s rules. But the church has been oppressing its women in the church in the exact same manner for centuries.
Because we have basically interpreted a few Scriptures in the light of our male-dominant culture, instead of the culture in which they were written, we have essentially marginalized more than 50% of the population of the church, making them feel that they do not have a voice in our midst–and even worse, we have squandered many lifetimes’ worth of God-given gifts simply by disqualifying the gifted on a technicality. And although much progress has been made in some circles to restore the voice of women in the church and even release women into various places of leadership…as Jeromy’s post points out, the wounds still remain, and continue to be dug at through our continued prejudice and insensitivity.
I’ve had much opportunity to think about this issue, because I live with a woman with an exceptional gift of leadership. We have co-pastored for years, but it is quite obvious who has the natural gift. People follow The Wild One around before they even know what they are doing. You can usually identify our group when we go out in public, because my wife is the one walking in the front while everyone happily follows behind. I am generally the one lagging behind with a look of tense panic, asking the passers-by: “Did you see a group of people? How many were there? Which way were they heading? I need to find them, for I am their leader!”
This is just how it is with us.
And yet…although my wife has always functioned more naturally as a pastor/leader than a “pastor’s wife”, when we stand together, there are still people who will only look at me and talk to me as the leader–not because I am the one with the gift, but because I am the male. And (when I am being sensitive enough to notice) I can see the pain in my wife’s eyes every time it happens.
As you can see, even the fact that our church has no problem with women in leadership doesn’t prevent a woman from being overlooked, underestimated, and silenced–and hurt.
Because in reality, the underlying issue goes much deeper than the interpreting of Scripture.
Looking beyond the church itself, our culture has not just been male-dominant; it has been female-oppressive, as many other cultures are. Regardless of your views on the politics of feminism, the very fact that a movement of feminism exists is because women are trying to reclaim their voice in our culture–because for so long, the culture itself has silenced them, displaced them, underestimated them, failed to recognize their potential, and suppressed their amazing gifts. I believe this dynamic has fueled the church’s historical restrictions on females even more than the Scriptures we use to back up those restrictions. Instead of “rightly dividing the word of truth”, we (men) have used a few Scriptures to justify something our culture had already convinced us was true–and honestly, something we wanted to believe. And even though the culture is changing (faster than the church, I might add), this is still so embedded in our culture that even well-intentioned men still inadvertently say and do things that throw salt upon the wound. As Jeromy put it in his post…”I never knew that your wound was so deep and so common.“

I personally believe this has been a tactic of Satan since the fall of mankind–part of the “bruising of the heel” of the woman. I think this goes deeper than male “macho” tendencies–it’s something that goes all the way back to Adam blaming “that woman you gave me” when God confronted their sin. Driving a wedge between the sexes, and then manipulating the “stronger” sex to oppress the “fairer” one…I think this has been part of Satan’s plan against the woman all along. Some might think that’s an over-spiritualization of things, but it helps me sort of make sense of what I see.

And here’s what might be the most tragic part of all this. Scripture tells us that God created woman out of man–which suggests that originally Adam had both male and female characteristics, as God does, and also suggests that there are now things in woman that are not in man. When we suppress women, when we silence their voice, when we discount their gifts–when we essentially devalue the contributions of 50% or more of our population–we are hurting ourselves as well as they. In church settings, when we do the same thing, we are crippling ourselves and reducing our total potential–all while the crown of God’s creation sits on the sidelines and rots, her birthright forfeited.

If Paul was right when he said “the woman is the glory of the man”–what does that tell us when we shame our own glory in this manner?

We are not just doing this to the woman–we are doing it to ourselves, to our entire race. This is why the heart of every man should be breaking.

I have considered myself for many years to be in favor of the affirmation of women in general, and specifically the release of women in ministry. But even though I did not attend the conference Jeremy referred to in his post, his description of what happened broke me inside. I bring this up because I’m coming to realize it is not enough for us guys just to passively assent to women finding their place. It is not enough for us to just “stop” being chauvanistic or sexist, because the default setting in our world still leans heavily against the woman–no matter how you choose to explain it. If we are passive, we will inevitably begin to lean the wrong direction and add to the pain. To overcome the negative pull, I believe we men must be much more purposeful and intentional in the affirmation and restoration of women. We need to make every effort to understand their struggle–a difficult task for us men, because we simply haven’t had to deal with that constant level of resistance. We need to realize that even when we recognize female leaders in the church, a female in pastoral leadership will still have a more difficult road to walk than a man in the same role–and most other roles, for that matter. Not because she is weaker, but because there is simply more resistance for her than for a man.

We need to do more than just let women have a voice–we need to listen to that voice. Part of the healing of the wound will come when we hear, and understand, the cry of the wounded–and are moved to action.

I realize this post has gone long…but these are things that need saying. Please indulge me a little further as I conclude with some personal statements:

I can’t speak for all men, but I can speak as a man. And to the women who might read this post…as a man, I ask you to forgive me for all the times I was insensitive to you or thought of you as less than I.

For the times I fell into the default position of chauvanism…
For the times I assumed you were less intelligent than I…
For the times I did not see the wound in your eyes when I jokingly made light of your femininity…
For the times I said I advocated the rights of women, but secretly relished the fact that our culture favored me as a man…
For the times I laughed at jokes demeaning to women…
For the times I did not laugh at those jokes, but still did not defend you…
For the times I was passive, allowing you a voice, but not really caring whether anyone was listening to you…
For the times I forgot what you have to offer…
And for anything else I’ve said or done that has added to your wound…

…I ask you to forgive me.

I cannot promise I will never cause hurt again. As you know, this pattern runs deep. But I will make every effort to see you, and to hear you, and to make room for you. And as much as I can be…to be part of the healing, and not the wounding, in the future.

P.S. There is a new website I’d recommend whose focus is on giving a voice to woman. It is called Voca Femina, and you can check it out here.

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Musician. Composer. Recovering perfectionist. Minister-in-transition. Lover of puns. Hijacker of rock song references. Questioner of the status quo. I'm not really a rebel. Just a sincere Christ-follower with a thirst for significance that gets me into trouble. My quest has taken me over the fence of institutional Christianity. Here are some of my random thoughts along the way. Read along, join in the conversation. Just be nice.

31 Responses to Why the Heart of Every Man Should Be Breaking

  2. cynthia

    ::: through my tears :::

    “Thank you”

    I can’t say more right now. I am too overwhelmed at “hearing” these words.

    Grace and Peace

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  3. kathyescobar

    thank you jeff for your honesty and humility. i am so privileged to know you and some other really amazing men whose hearts are willing to break on others behalf. this was very powerful. thanks. i especially liked this line: “We need to do more than just let women have a voice–we need to listen to that voice.” see you soon!

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  4. Reina

    I followed Jeromy to your blog. I loved his post about wounded women in the church, but as I am not in the church it did not touch me like this has.

    Thank you. I deal with everyday slights for being female, and have all of my life. Thank you for acknowledging that.

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  5. Jeff McQ

    Kim and Cynthia,
    I meant it…every word.

    Kathy,
    If there is anything that bears witness to what I’ve said here about women and their gifts, it is the unmistakable positive influence you have had on my life, not to mention my family. You have no idea how *your* voice has inspired and taught me, both through your blog and conversations. Thanks for taking the heat and letting your gifts be accessible.

    Reina, it’s a privilege to have you visit and comment. Thanks for coming by.

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  6. Robert Martin

    My mother, for most of her life, had a desire for ministry in some form or fashion. She was a recipient of the prohibition of women in ministry early on in her life and was, essentially, relegated to those few places that she was allowed (SS teacher for a woman’s SS, choir director of children’s choir, business admin, etc).

    Later in her life, while she was ministering as the business admin for our local Mennonite Church conference, she began to get involved in actually ministering directly to congregations.

    Finally, she was licensed… and during her licensing service the minister who did the licensing, effectively apologized for not doing this earlier by saying, “This piece of paper is basically giving formal recognition to what you have already been doing… and a long time in coming.”

    My Mom paved the way for a NUMBER of women in the Mennonite denomination to become ministers, pastors, etc. I know that, on her death bed, Mom heard many woman express thanks for dealing with the pain for them so that they would be able to minister themselves.

    To all you women who are still working through those difficult things, take heart… the change IS coming…

    As a man, I, too, apologize for anything that I may have done to stand in the way of women… but my mother’s legacy has affected me for most of my 36 years of life and I count it an honor to minister along side sisters in Christ.

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  7. Gary Delaney

    Jeff,

    I can relate to things you say of your wife having a stronger gift of leadership than yourself. My wife is the same in that regard. In fact several of my wifes giftings are stronger than mine.

    I agree with everything you’ve said in this post. Women have been stepped on and oppressed for far too long, and men as well as the entire culture has suffered for it.

    I too consider myself to be an advocate for women’s rights. In some ways women are smarter than men and in no way are they less than men.

    You are also very correct to say that church is far behind the world when it comes to acknowledging the proper place of women in society. I believe the church is about as sexist an organization that exists in the western world.

    Blessings,
    Gary

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  9. Jeff McQ

    Robert & Gary,
    I'm glad to see some males respond here–beginning to think I was out here with the women all alone. 🙂 Not that this is a bad thing… 🙂 Thank you for standing up for our sisters.

    Reina,
    I read your post and appreciated your thoughts, and in processing my own thoughts, I realized any response I had would probably be a bit lengthy for the comment section on either of our blogs. I think the questions you raise are important ones, and could fuel some good discussion. So I was wondering if you'd be up for bringing some of this out on the "front page". Would you be okay with it if I wrote a separate post quoting some of your remarks and responding to them there? I know you posted these things in a public space already, but they are still your personal thoughts/feelings, so out of respect, I wouldn't want to do this unless you were good with it. I just think others might relate to this topic.

    If you'd rather not, no pressure. I'm just as okay with letting your thoughts stand as they are. Just let me know…and thank you for sharing this with me.

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  10. Reina

    Feel free! I wrote the post hoping for some response, but as I don’t get a lot of traffic to my blog, I wasn’t surprised that I didn’t get it. However, I would love to hear your input.

    Reply ↓
  12. Amy

    Jeff,
    Through tears (seriously)…

    Thank you.

    I was actually honestly thinking about this as I took Howie on a walk today. My concluding thoughts?…

    Sigh…I probably will need to wait until the new Heaven/Eternal World is here, after Papa makes everything right, for me, and all my sisters, to experience true equality I believe is meant to be, with men. This gives me Hope.

    While some things may change, certainly, in the Body, honestly, the System itself, and the World will resist it. Thus, why I have put my Hope in Father making all things right at the end of (Earthly) time.

    Yet, until then…I hope others, like you Jeff, will realize what you have here.

    Blessings,
    ~Amy 🙂

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  13. Moff

    Jeff, I followed Jeromy’s blog to this posting and I’m sitting here at work trying to pull myself together before my 4pm appointment.

    Part of me wants to scream “WHY HAS THIS TAKEN SO LONG???” But mostly, I’m just so grateful to you and to Jeromy for taking a stand.

    I’m also pretty sure that you both, like many women, will be greeted by silence on this topic, and that silence is damaging and damning. It says that this issue is not even worth being upset over… that most women will stay where they are in the end, and that this is the right order of things. And you might find folks dismissing you as another “sensitive” male.

    Let me just say here, buried in your comments section :^), that the failure to allow women to fully use their gifts in the church is a sin. Not just preventing them from doing so, but not making a way for them to. and this sin grieves God and put Jesus on the cross just like any other sin… something we’d do well to remember on this Good Friday.

    and now I have three minutes to compose myself. :^) Thank you, Jeff, and God bless both you and your wife richly.

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  15. Jeff McQ

    Amy,
    I wish I could disagree with you about when all will be made right on this issue. But until that is…I hope that God surrounds you with an oasis, a community of men and women who will truly enable you to become what you are meant to be.

    Moff,
    I agree with you. On every point. Thank you for visiting here.

    Makeesha,
    You’re welcome. 🙂 Thanks for coming by.

    Reply ↓
  21. Erin

    I’m late to the party here, but my lack of comment was simply due to busy-ness the last few days — I wasn’t ignoring this post.

    You have said something that is now echoing throughout the internet, and it has put in place a chain reaction that I’m excited to see the results of.

    Although most men I know aren’t practicing any deliberate oppression of women, there is still an undercurrent of it in the religious institution that is difficult to avoid because it’s so pervasive. I think as much as men haven’t afforded women an equal role, I think men also haven’t permitted each other the right to make that allowance toward women. And so it has been perpetuated.

    I appreciate your willingness (and Jeromy’s, and all the others who have followed suit) to deliberately step out of that current and go another way. Thank you. A thousand times.

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  22. Jeff McQ

    Erin,
    I look at what has been happening and I am wonderstruck. I can’t help but see the hand of God in this moment…as well as His heart.

    I appreciate what you said here:
    “I think as much as men haven’t afforded women an equal role, I think men also haven’t permitted each other the right to make that allowance toward women.” I think this is very true.

    Thanks for the comment. Always a privilege to have you come by.

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  23. Phyl

    Dear Jeff,
    I Thank you for your post and your heart, and your exhortation to men on this issue. It was lovely to hear you talk about your wife. I’m just barely getting to know her through Voca Femina, and am so excited to meet you both one day.

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  24. Jeff McQ

    Phyl,
    Thank you for coming by, and for allowing The Wild One a voice on Voca Femina thru her photos. Looking forward to more interaction…

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  25. Sam

    Thank you for this post! The Bible has been misused as justification for oppressing a long list of people, including women. The equality of the sexes is a done deal, and those who do not recognize this are living in their own little fantasy world.

    In addition to not attending or supporting groups that do not treat women equally, we must tell them verbally and in writing (addressed to all of the leadership) why we will not support them in any way.

    Our number one reason for not being part of any institutional “church”: we think that while they may include people who are really part of the true church, the organization is usually anything but. Our number two reason: how these groups treat certain people, especially women, gays and minorities. To us that identifies these groups as primarily social organizations (think clubs or country clubs), not churches.

    How is it that one of the major remaining bastions of female oppression in the USA is the church?

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  26. Barb O.

    Hi Jeff,
    Your article is well stated and I believe truly Spirit inspired. That is why you can communicate these thoughts with such passion and clarity.

    This thought encapsulates for me what you are trying to include men in understanding: “To overcome the negative pull, I believe we men must be much more purposeful and intentional in the affirmation and restoration of women. We need to make every effort to understand their struggle…”

    Rejoicing in every bit of ground gained regarding this issue. It has a long history and is a deep wound and it will take an army of spiritually enlightened people to untangle its deep impact in the Church and in the society.

    Barb O.

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  27. Anonymous

    Hi Jeff,

    Thank you for being courageous and bold regarding this topic. You have highlighted a huge area of dysfunction in the Family of God. You have placed a beacon on the top of a hill for all to see.

    I believe that your post encapsulates this message that men need to purposefully take action: “To overcome the negative pull, I believe we men must be much more purposeful and intentional in the affirmation and restoration of women. We need to make every effort to understand their struggle…”

    I rejoice in every bit of ground gained regarding this topic. It will take an army of spiritually empowered people to take on the task to untangle the confusion created by this long standing and deep wound in the Church and in society. Transformation of old and dominant ways of thinking is a hard sell.

    Barb O.

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  28. Jan

    Thank you Jeff. It was so touching to read a man speaking to so many of the things I’ve felt as a woman in ministry leadership. I accept your apology even though I do not know you. You have blessed me!

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  30. Jeff McQ

    Sorry I’m a little behind in responding to the new comments here…

    Sam,
    “How is it that one of the major remaining bastions of female oppression in the USA is the church?” I think one of the reasons is the commonly-held mistaken belief that Scripture supports it. To many, they rightly hold that the authority of Scripture takes precedence over the cultural change around us (and it does)…but wrongly interpret that the Scripture places women in subservience, when it was never intended as such. If I can be blunt, I think it’s a pretty clever trick of Satan to get us to use our own Bible to back up his agenda against the female, and makes it that much harder to break that oppression.

    Barb O./”Anonymous”, 🙂
    I agree, there is a lot to “untangle”. But the truth is the truth, and needs to be spoken. Thanks for your remarks, and for the encouragement.

    Jan,
    Thanks so much for coming by, and for receiving my apology. God bless you greatly.

    Robert,
    Thanks for re-visiting, and for the link.

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  31. hyacynth

    Indeed as one who knew she was called to preach at the early age of 15, but one who has yet to see that fulfilled 33 years later, the struggle has nearly broken me, to simply be HER that God created me to be. I honestly don't know if I'll see the necessary changes of attitude and heart in my lifetime,as there's a hell of a lot of garbage & hatred to wade through to see things changed.

    Guess the idea of women being God's army to usher in the greatest revival of sorts to the earth before Jesus returns, makes sense–cause the enemy has surely opposed it fiercely since the very beginning.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

    Reply ↓

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