Toward the end of yesterday’s post, I inserted this remark:
“…sometimes our personal woundings complicate our emotions, and sometimes we have to unravel that in order to know whether a confrontation is from love or from wounding. And that part has to wait for another post. :)”
Wait no longer.
This, in my view, is one of the most complicated messes of being a believer outside institutional Christianity and wanting to be an agent of change–because there are very few of us who have not been hurt within (or because of) that system. So even though we may at times rant against that system with just cause…there can easily be mixture in our motivation. In other words, we can say we’re doing it in righteous love, the way Jesus confronted the religious systems of His day; but often the case is that there is a wound behind what we are saying and doing that is the real motivator.
That presents a real dilemma, because we can be right and wrong at the same time. Right about what we’re saying, but wrong about why we’re saying it. So what do we do? Do we say what needs saying just because it’s right? Or do we keep quiet because our motives are mixed? And why does it matter?
This question has come to the forefront in my own mind and heart because on at least two occasions in the past few months when I’ve been sharing my heart with someone about the fact that we are in a transition place, tied in with the difficulties of the past few years, the suggestion has been made that I/we need a time of de-tox from the past seasons as we enter the new. (This, interestingly, reminds me of the analogy of the decompression chamber I spoke of in previous posts.) This tells me that my woundings are showing when I speak, and I have to admit that this really bothers me.
But I cannot deny the woundings. I still feel the pain of rejection. I still feel the pain of spiritual abuse and manipulation, even from years past. I still grieve over the relationships I wanted within the institutional church that I never got, because I didn’t fit the mold. Some of the angry words spoken by some of these people still ring in my ears. I have been de-toxing, and this blog is part of that process. But I need more. Because the wounds I have sustained call my own motives into question.
Back to the question: why does it matter what our motives are, as long as we speak the truth? Because “speaking the truth in love” as Paul refers to is very important. If we speak not out of love, but out of our own woundedness, we run the risk of wounding others instead of helping them.
I’ve seen this at work in my own life many times. When I act out of my own woundedness, I wound others. It’s a fact. That’s why we all need healing.
So what are my motives, really? Am I speaking out of love, or out of woundedness? The answer: all of the above. I did not stop loving the church when I was wounded. I did not stop loving the people who have hurt me–that’s why it hurts in the first place. And I still desire very much for the church, and for followers of Christ everywhere (including myself) to walk in the fullness of what God has desired for us. So in that respect, when I speak out about the abuses and problems of institutional church, my motives are genuine. But I cannot deny that some of the anger bleeds over, too.
And so what do I do? What do we do? I think for me, at least, it does not mean I will go silent. (No, the blog will continue.) I guess I’m just saying it’s a messy business–it’s not all compartmentalized and sanitized. I’m an imperfect, broken person trying to muddle through a big glob of thoughts and feelings, and just because I’m broken does not mean I’m wrong. It just means I’m a work in progress, like everyone else.
So the task before me, and indeed for others in my position, I think, is to be honest with ourselves and others about our feelings, our opinions, and our wounds–keeping them before Jesus the healer so that we may all be healed along the way. I think forgiveness is key, and is in fact the first step to the healing of these wounds. Where we have not forgiven–we must forgive. And it is in that process that our motives will be purified, even as we continue to speak the truth in love.
Wayward Son
Musician. Composer. Recovering perfectionist. Minister-in-transition. Lover of puns. Hijacker of rock song references. Questioner of the status quo.
I'm not really a rebel. Just a sincere Christ-follower with a thirst for significance that gets me into trouble. My quest has taken me over the fence of institutional Christianity. Here are some of my random thoughts along the way. Read along, join in the conversation. Just be nice.
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Jeff,
Excellent post. I love your absolutely honest frankness and openness. You are a gem, Jeff. I, too, am a work in progress. Jeff, be encouraged, I believe Papa is doing wonderful work within you…and I believe you have a great heart. You are just where Father desires you to be, my friend.
Blessings,
~Amy 🙂
http://amyiswalkinginthespirit.blogspot.com
As one who is on a similar path (11 years “full time church staff” and 11 years denominational work) I wanted to share with you my own experiences with the struggle of my relationship to the institutional church I had “served” for so long. First I was angry over what I saw. Then I felt compelled to “fix” it. Then, at the high point of that struggle, God pointed me to the story of Jesus being asked about paying taxes. He showed me that Jesus basically said that the question he was being asked was insignificant to his mission. It was at that moment I realized the question I was trying to answer was insignificant to where He was taking me. From that point forward the tones of hurt and struggle were gone from my conversations about what God was doing in my life. Perhaps you too will have an experience where He shows you something from the life of Jesus that answers the question for you and releases you to enjoy the journey.
Enjoyed this one Jeff.. wrestling with motives is really hard stuff.
I think that love must be our motive when we speak truth.. if it is not then we will just be a noisy gong.. and who needs that?
Jeff –
I really appreciate your post. As I have begun to read posts by those that are “outside of the institutional church” (or however you would like to phrase it), I have often felt that undercurrent of woundedness (if that phrase even makes sense). At times, having been hurt myself in church, I even empathize, sympathize, and all other kinda “thize” with them.
But I think that the level of self-awareness that you expressed in your blog is vital. Without that self-awareness, any weight to our words, any voice of change that we might be, runs the risk of being drowned out by our own pain speaking louder.
It makes me think of that great commercial where the guy is in the interview and every time he talks the spot on his shirt talks over him. If we aren’t aware of our wounding, or of the motivation of what we might be saying, that wounding can become the spot over-talking us, and that’s all that our readers (or listeners, if in a conversation) can hear.
So, in the words of the Brady Bunch, “Keep on, keep on, keep on doing it right!”
Amy,
Thank you for the encouragement; it is greatly appreciated.
Craig,
Thank you for chiming in. I can relate to your journey, and to be honest, one reason I’ve finally embraced being outside the walls is because I realized I could not “fix” it. And it might not seem so from this post, but overall I am enjoying the journey a lot more than when I was in the broken systems. But as your own blog states…it is a journey. And we are works in progress along that road. It’s my desire here to be honest about where I am along that road, and the parts of my heart that still need healing.
KB,
I fully agree. Thanks, bro.
Aaroneous,
Thanks for the groovy comment. You are like the only person I know who can tie in deep, insightful remarks about self-awareness with talking t-shirts and the Brady Six. 😀
Seriously, though, the point is well-taken, and I think that’s why I wanted to write this. If all people see is the wound talking, it’s easy to write off what is being said. A “noisy gong” as Kansas Bob said. The wound doesn’t disqualify us, but it sure doesn’t need to be over-talking us, either.
Thanks, bro.
Jeff,
I can agonizingly relate to your post. The guy who pastored the first church I attended after coming to Christ, made a very profound statement that I’ve never forgotten. “Freedom people free people and bondage people bind people”.
Of course that statement encompasses multiple levels and topics/situations. But, I think it somewhat falls into the realm of your topic.
I long to be free so that I can be a conduit of healing and freedom, in Christ.
All of that said, to say I know where you are coming from.
Blessings,
Gary
Great stuff. I am among those “wounded” souls. One of the ways that I guage my healing over a particular issue is by my thoughts. If I am still having conversations with that person in my mind – imagining what I would say in a given situation with them, then I am probably still hanging on to the hurt. I must admit, I am guilty of perpetuating these hurt feelings and, at times I have used them to justify my own bitterness, bad behavior and sinful attitude.
Good post! As always, you have helped uncover something very painful I need to deal with in my life.
Thanks alot! (Tongue firmly in cheek of course…)
Well said. I can certainly relate.
Gary,
That is an interesting statement to ponder. Thanks for sharing it.
Steve,
As I always say…if I gotta deal with it, EVERYBODY’S gotta deal with it. 🙂
Well…I don’t always say that. But still. 🙂