I spend a lot of time here in the ongoing process of “de-constructing”–in other words, processing my thoughts and discussing the issues about the institutional forms of Christianity that are now in my rear-view mirror. That de-construction is necessary, and a lot of fellow bloggers are documenting their own similar journeys.
However, I think it’s important to note that this journey is about far more than what is in the rear-view mirror. There is a lot of stuff ahead of me, a whole horizon to explore. Stuff I never knew existed. So I thought I’d talk a little about that today.
During a lot of my de-construction, and culminating with the wake-up call, I felt a sense of grief and loss, and rejection. Institutional Christianity had been pretty much all I’d known, and had been a place where I found acceptance (as long as I “played ball”). So even though I could not deny the truth of what God was showing me, it was still hard to let go. And yet, I knew I couldn’t embrace what was in front of me until I let go of what was already behind me.
So when I let go…I found a whole new world.
If I boiled down all my feelings about being outside the walls into one word…it would be “wonder.” I feel like God has opened up the wide-open spaces to me, and I have discovered options for ministry and purpose I never knew existed. Despite the tame forms of Christianity I’ve lived in, there has always been a part of me that knew that ours is a subversive faith, one that is destined to turn the world upside down. That is the part of me that now is free to come to the surface. Before now, there were so many things I would never have considered doing (I do NOT mean in a sinful sense) simply because they didn’t fit the paradigms of “church”. Now I can see that there are so many more ways to be Jesus to the world than just the formats and structures I grew up with, and I’m anxious to try some of them out. 🙂 The boredom I have felt for years fades away in the rear-view mirror when I look out at all that is in front of me.
Before I really let go and embraced this new world, I tried desperately to hold on to my relationships within the institutional church (and I still have friends there). I often felt fearful and alone because I knew God was morphing me into something that more and more of those people could not relate to. But when I let go–not forsaking my friends, per se, but just not holding them so tightly–I found a whole new group of people experiencing a similar journey as myself. I have actually found people in this town who are like-minded. Wow. And I have discovered a whole set of Internet friends, and even some dear friends from the past who have found themselves on a similar journey. People I never would have found had I not been willing to let the institutions fall into the rear-view mirror. And of course, there is the wonderful house-church community that has not only watched us walk this path, but have been walking it with us all along. It’s still gets lonely out here sometimes–just not quite as lonely.
There are also times I feel a bit overwhelmed by it all. As a sheep in the flock of God, I feel like I have been kept in a sheep pen for most of my life (and when you think of a bunch of sheep stuck in a pen–boy, that analogy might just generate another blog post in itself–might be veerryy entertaining). Now, I feel like I’ve been released from the pen, and I’m running and jumping in the open country. Woo hoo! But then the magnitude of the unfamiliar surrounds me, and I start to get uncomfortable, even scared. The sheep pen is familiar, but I simply know I can’t go back there (besides, someone has locked it behind me). And when I find myself in this place of uncertainty and insecurity…this is when I begin to listen for the voice of the Good Shepherd. I am out in the wide open, but I am not lost. But I can no longer depend on the sheep pen for my bearings; I must listen to His voice. I can’t just venture off into the horizon; I must be led.
So…I’m a sheep in the wide-open country, driving in my car (make it a convertible), my wool blowing in the breeze, with the sheep pen in my rear-view mirror, the horizon in front of me, and God is on my GPS. How’s THAT for mixed metaphors?
Wayward Son
Musician. Composer. Recovering perfectionist. Minister-in-transition. Lover of puns. Hijacker of rock song references. Questioner of the status quo.
I'm not really a rebel. Just a sincere Christ-follower with a thirst for significance that gets me into trouble. My quest has taken me over the fence of institutional Christianity. Here are some of my random thoughts along the way. Read along, join in the conversation. Just be nice.
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That’s cool that you have found other people on the same journey. How did you find them (besides online)? I’m looking for clues as to how I might find some locally… 🙂
Hi Jeff,
I found you through Barb’s blog. I just posted yesterday about letting go. I can relate to the uncertainty you describe. I’ve been straddling the fence for quite a while, but the fence is getting more and more uncomfortable.
Hi to sarah! We have a few friends on the journey, but ironically they are from our former church. I really hope to expand our circle of friends beyond people we know through or from church.
Great Blog…I loved your observation that God is molding you…into something that perhaps your friends cannot understand, or relate to. I struggled for years with this same thing…sick and tired of the ‘church game’ and all of the activities and excess; not that I condemn these things in themselves…but because you are on this path, I am sure that you will understand where I am coming from. We have found a small fellowship of believers and the first sign that it is turning into a megachurch…we’re heading for the hills!
Jeff,
Share your sentiments – to a degree. I’m going through a divorce and the voices yelling at me from all sides make hearing the Great Shepherd’s voice difficult. And I need the comfort of my church re: the interaction with real brick-and-mortar believers (though we meet in a library and homes) to get me through this though I’m not sure they are entirely supportive of my divorce.
The hard part is knowing something’s lacking but wanting to stay and try to help fix it from within before bolting for the great wide open.
-Sam
Sarah,
The people I describe (kindred spirits, as I call them) I came upon pretty much as I started embracing being outside the walls. I personally feel they are divine connections that just happened, so I can’t really say HOW I found them. Not too many locally (except for our home fellowship who have been with us all along this journey)…just one or two here and there along the way. But they are there, and the numbers are growing. Obviously,the Internet community has helped, and I’ve even reconnected with a couple of dear friends from my past and discovered they had been walking similar paths, which was really encouraging.
Grace,
Thanks for visiting and commenting. I saw your blog, and really enjoyed reading it. Added you to my reader, in fact.
Anonymous,
Thanks for the comment. I personally believe that the growing numbers who “don’t relate” are a sign that God is doing something on a larger scale in His church than many people realize…but it will take time, and for awhile it might feel a bit lonesome. (That’s probably why Sarah and others are looking for local people to relate to. Maybe we need to create some sort of secret symbol to identify ourselves…a fish, maybe? Oh, wait, that’s already been used…)
Anyway…for now, the Internet does help us to remember that others are feeling this way…
Sam…guess our comments crossed paths, so sorry I didn’t include you in the last comments…
It’s hard to have an opinion without knowing all the facts, and the Internet probably isn’t the best place for that, as you’ve already pointed out. Besides, you need probably need *fewer* voices right now. 🙂
As I read your comment, the only thing I was prompted with is to recommend that you meditate on Psalm 23, especially verse 4. A familiar passage, but perhaps taking some time with that psalm will help quiet some of those screaming voices so you can hear the Good Shepherd more clearly.
Peace to you, and thanks for your honesty.
I know exactly what you mean. 🙂
That is the part of me that now is free to come to the surface. Before now, there were so many things I would never have considered doing (I do NOT mean in a sinful sense) simply because they didn’t fit the paradigms of “church”.
Exactly!!!
And for some reason it seems that when a person’s worldview changes in such a huge way, all the other ‘rebels’ seem to come out of the woodwork. It often seems to go something like “You think that?! Me too! I was just too scared to say anything.”
Hi Jeff, I stumbled upon your blog after following a bunny trail a few days ago, and I am appreciating all that I am reading.
In this post, you wrote,”I am out in the wide open, but I am not lost. But I can no longer depend on the sheep pen for my bearings; I must listen to His voice. I can’t just venture off into the horizon; I must be led.”
I love this…I just love it. I can almost hear God getting giddy over this! I have had to wonder myself over the last 2 years of a complete “de-construction” or change, if this one line, is the reason for it – so that we would truly truly only lean on Him, no matter what that looks like to anyone else. It even sometimes feels strange to me, to consider something so foreign, yet so RIGHT, when God asks me to step out of bounds… I am excited that God is doing this thing in so many people, who seem to be finding one another.
kari
Jeff,
Thanks for the encouraging post!
I was just telling someone yesterday that I feel like God is telling me to stop going to church. The person responded that they didn’t think He would say that.
I said,”Why not? He doesn’t live in there.”
I can see that there are a lot of people who are seeing the same problems & ineffectiveness of traditional churches. It is really scary ( at least for me) out on my own as it would seem.
But God is really omnipresent right? So I’m not.
Peace