Confessions of a Recovering Self-Righteous, Judgmental, Legalistic Hypocrite (part 2)

(Part 1 here.)

As I mentioned in my previous post, my propensity for being legalistic and judgmental formed in my youth–a toxic cocktail consisting of equal parts overactive conscience, inflated sense of responsibility, overachiever mentality, impossible self-imposed expectations, and incredible guilt for failing to meet said expectations.

The bad news is that I didn’t really outgrow this when I went into adulthood; it just sort of shifted gears and took a more subtle form than fire and brimstone. The irony was that I believed and taught grace as a theological truth, so I didn’t see myself as legalistic. But for some reason I couldn’t make the connection in my own heart. I still constantly second-guessed myself, evaluated my own performance, and hated myself when I failed–often unable to receive God’s forgiveness because I could not forgive myself. And because this was how I lived from the heart…this is how I lived among people, regardless of the theology I taught. I was quick to point out the shortcomings in others, to judge their motives, to get in their business–which was complicated by the fact that I was now in the ranks of church leadership and thought it was my “job” to do so. Mostly, because I gauged my own sense of worth by my performance, I inadvertently made others feel like their failures decreased their value as people, also.]

The good news is…God had a plan. And in the midst of all this, my heart was still genuinely and passionately pursuing Christ, following Him. And I believe that opened the door for Him to bring healing and deliverance to my tortured soul.

It didn’t come all at once, but rather in layers or phases that have over time calmed the storm within. These are some of the key factors that I believe have played a role in my recovery process:

• An encounter with God in my early 20’s, alone in my home, where for the first time I truly understood what true repentance, and therefore forgiveness, actually felt like. (I still walk with a bit of a limp from that encounter, and still tear up sometimes when I remember it.)
• Learning about what some call “inner healing” or “healing of the soul”, and submitting to that process–allowing me to recognize and deal with the root issues of my compulsive behaviors, and actually begin experiencing freedom from their control.
• Recognizing codependency in my life, and going through a recovery program, which helped me identify the roots behind my inordinate sense of responsibility and my need to control, thereby finding increasing freedom in that area.
• Having God place certain key people in my life who have an understanding of God’s grace, and who demonstrate unconditional acceptance of others without compromising their beliefs. The influence of such people has been invaluable in my life.

Today, probably the most apparent sign of my healing is the fact that I am a much happier person overall. Not that all my circumstances are great, or that I don’t have issues I deal with–but that I am more comfortable in my own skin, and am finally learning that my imperfections and failures do not disqualify me from the grace of God, but rather make me an ideal candidate. Because I’m more okay with myself…I am more okay with others, too. I no longer feel the need to fix people (as if I could fix them), and I am more free to love them.

These experiences haven’t altered my views of sin, or made me believe some sins are okay. Sin is still sin. It just that sin (or lack thereof) is no longer a measure of worth, for myself or for others.

And it isn’t that I don’t believe there is a time and place to confront sin, because Scripture makes it clear that such times and places do exist. It’s just that I no longer feel the need to choose those times and places, nor the need to control people by them.

And it isn’t that I no longer have a desire for excellence. It’s just that I no longer feel driven by that desire, because performance is no longer a statement of my worth. Now I’m more free to pursue excellence for the pure joy of it, and encourage excellence in others rather than try to shame it out of them.

I share this part of my story, I guess, because I think it’s important to understand the heart behind the actions. My experience has taught me that when we encounter someone who is self-righteous, legalistic, judgmental (or just downright ornery), there is usually a broken person behind that facade–often a very well-meaning person–trying to figure things out. And when I look back at my own history, it has been God’s consistent kindness and mercy toward me–not His wrath–that have brought me down this path of healing. Likewise, the people who have made the most difference in my life are the ones who displayed His grace and mercy when I was acting up–not the ones who shamed me for it. And because I see this…I have learned that love, not shame, is the more effective way to point broken people to Jesus.

Seems so simple. Took almost half a lifetime to learn.