The Fruit of My Journey Thus Far

On the journey, every so often it is helpful to take a look backward–not in a bad way (“remember Lot’s wife”), but simply to take inventory of where you have come. Some people say in cliche manner that we must only live in the moment, that we only have today, that we can’t change the past and don’t know the future, so let’s just look at the road before us, no looking back.

People who say such things apparently have never driven a car. When driving, you can’t just focus on the road right in front of you; you have to look everywhere, all the time–back, sides, farther forward down the road–because to keep a straight (and safe) course, your eyes need to take in the total perspective of where you are, where you’ve been, and where you’re going. Also, you need to be aware of any other vehicles that might broadside you or something.

Why should this be any different for our spiritual journey? Yes, we live in the moment, and we should; and yes, it’s more important to have our eyes mainly on the road before us (and not gazing at the rear-view mirror); but to block out anything but the present is simply unrealistic. When all you see is “now”, you have no sense of perspective for the ongoing hand of God in your life. For that, you must be able to look back just enough to see where you were then, and where you are now–so you can see how much you’ve changed, and the rate of that change.

I think I’ve been in that place of looking back (which may have also sparked my recent piece on regret). And in doing so, I am marveling at the foundational changes in my own life that God has wrought. In particular, I’m looking at the fruit of my journey over the past 8 years or so (and especially the last 3)–in my journey out of institutional Christianity, from back when I was on staff at an institutional church to my life today. I’m looking at what I was like then, and what I’m like now.

Here’s just a sample of what I see:

• THEN: My main goal in ministry was self-preservation (at all costs) and promotion of a ministry career.
• NOW: My whole image of “ministry” has been transformed, and my main goal is how I might best serve the Lord and others.
• THEN: As a member of leadership, despite knowing the unbiblical nature of “clergy-laity”, I still viewed the ministry as us (the leaders) versus them (everyone else).
• NOW: I just see “us.”
• THEN: The institutional church was the only “church” I saw or recognized, and any believer who wasn’t attending one was “AWOL” in the “Lord’s army.”
• NOW: I define “church” by a whole different (and much simpler) set of parameters, and I can see how fluid, diverse, and creative she can be, and is.
• THEN: I lived under an incredible amount of pressure–pressure to please or appease my superiors, then pressure to keep the flock coming back, pressure to grow numerically, pressure to prove the nay-sayers wrong, pressure to survive financially, pressure to perform, pressure to pray enough…and countless others. This pressure often came out in the way I dealt with people.
• NOW: The pressure is off, and I am able to actually enjoy my life in the everyday. I still have my moments of stress, but overall I am a lot more relaxed, a lot less high-strung.
• THEN: I was strongly co-dependent, and this was a dominant feature in my approach to leadership.
• NOW: As a result of personal counsel and support groups, I am a recovering co-dependent, and looking back, I am both amazed and devastated at how much my leadership style once came directly from co-dependent behavior. I am equally amazed at how well that co-dependent leadership style fits within institutional Christianity, and it is now my opinion that this system actually fuels and enables co-dependency in many of its leaders. Extracting co-dependency from leadership has changed my leadership style drastically.
• THEN: I had more answers then questions.
• NOW: I have more questions then answers.
• THEN: I was desperate for the approval of people–both people in general and others in my “peer group” (leaders).
• NOW: I am learning to embrace the fact that God approves of me right now, and learning to live in the joy of that reality.
• THEN: I was a control freak.
• NOW: I am less of a control freak–which means I attempt to control fewer things, but I am still getting used to the idea of not being in control of everything. 🙂
• THEN: I was driven.
• NOW: I am led.
• THEN: The most important element of church was the vision.
• NOW: The most important element of church is Jesus, with the people coming in a close second.

Beyond all this, and underlying all these changes…I think the single most important change in my life has been a drastic reduction in fear. This is a deep work of change that probably has more to do with my own soul than with the institutional church (although certainly that system fueled my fears). Looking back at my life, I am astounded at how much fear I have lived in, at how many choices I’ve made in which fear was the primary motivator. This de-constructing of fear is still a work in progress; it’s still easy for me to fall into it. But within the past couple of years, I have experienced more moments without fear than at any other time in my life. I have experienced genuine peace, and it is flavoring my life more and more. And that, to me, is one of the greatest gifts I have received from this journey. Just not being driven by fear has finally given me a chance to breathe, to enjoy my life, my family, my community, and the love of God.

Okay…enough babbling. Your turn to talk. What have you seen God doing along your journey lately?