*Sigh* Time for some vulnerability here.
In times of transition, where everything starts to feel disjointed and disorienting, I have times when I feel completely insecure. As a recovering control freak, I still do not like the feeling of not knowing which way is “up.” I’m in such a time right now. I’ve had a time of respite from some difficult times, but I know God is shifting and changing me on the insides right now, and rattling my comfort zones, in ways that are very disconcerting. It’s a time when I feel like the sheep out of the pen, feeling very overwhelmed, desperate for some point of reference, desperate for the voice of the Shepherd.
When I get this way, it seems to come out like this:
- I get sarcastic, sharp-witted, and insensitive in my tone of voice, and sometimes in my writing.
- I put my foot in my mouth. (Not literally, that would be hysterical. But you know…)
- I second-guess myself on everything. (Is this the right way to think about this? Should have I just made that comment? Should I have just pressed the “Send” button? Am I falling off this chair?)
So, all that to say…if in the past couple of weeks I have written anything on this blog–or on YOUR blog–that has carried an insensitive tone…forgive me and be patient with me. And thank you for still checking in here. And for anything insensitive that I might say in the days to come…same request. Know that I’m a broken individual processing my own situation. I can’t pretend to apologize for my opinions, nor should I. I realize that I have a right to those, as you do to your opinions. But never would I want to be hurtful in the way those opinions are expressed.
Maybe this is just more second-guessing. Maybe you haven’t seen anything of the sort, and that’s cool, too. I just know what I am capable of in times like these. (Am I being paranoid right now? Is this posting even necessary? What if…?)
*SLAP.*
Thanks.
Wayward Son
Musician. Composer. Recovering perfectionist. Minister-in-transition. Lover of puns. Hijacker of rock song references. Questioner of the status quo.
I'm not really a rebel. Just a sincere Christ-follower with a thirst for significance that gets me into trouble. My quest has taken me over the fence of institutional Christianity. Here are some of my random thoughts along the way. Read along, join in the conversation. Just be nice.
View all posts by Wayward Son →
Jeff, after posting for almost 9 months, I have undergone the same feelings so many times. For me, I carried over the desire to be liked to the blog. If someone stopped commenting, or if my stats were low, I worried that I had done something wrong, Said something snippy or made a joke that others did not take as a joke. I know my own brokenness and like I posted today I tend to react first and not respond with wisdom sometimes.
But in all of it, the people here have been so gracious. I think they are more apt to ask you what you meant than they are to shun you in any way. Many have been hurt by christians and so have tender places for those who are also asking the hard questions.
So don’t worry, at least from my part, I have sensed none of the above that you questioned. I enjoy reading what you have written.
And BTW, your post on the blind man the other day was truly wonderful! Thanks
Dude,
I have NO idea what you’re even talking about. I find your blog to be one of the most thoughtful, insightful and level-headed ones I read.
Take a chill pill. All is well.
I haven’t found anything offensive here. 🙂 But I too relate to your struggle.
Ultimately, I think that as the Body of Christ, if we are going to be a healthy family (and not a dysfunctional one), then we have to be able to talk openly about our questions regarding what following Christ is really all about.
I know that I routinely offend others’ conceptions of Christianity. But I do it because I really love the church, and I’m not content that she live so far below her potential.
Jesus is my model. He offended people all the time, not because His desire was to be offensive, but because we’ve substituted so many other things for His presence. And He doesn’t want to share us with those religious pursuits. He loves us too much.
So keep speaking… I believe your heart and intention is love. We need your voice! We need what God has placed in you!
To the three bold people who have commented so far (and others, feel free to chime in):
Thanks so much for the encouragement and assurance. I am glad you have found no offense. I just felt that in the sense of honesty I ought to share what I was feeling, because I haven’t been myself lately, and because I know I *do* occasionally speak off the cuff without realizing it. I am gaining a lot of new online friends here who haven’t really seen my darker side yet(*HEAVY DARTH-VADER-TYPE BREATHING*).
And then I see (and am inspired by) the brutal honesty on some of these blogs (like Jim, for example–he’ll tell you right away if he’s depressed or pissed, and he won’t let you comment if he doesn’t want to hear from you). How cool is that? 🙂
Anyway…thanks. Chill pill taken. More to come…
I’ve been enjoying your posts lately, so if you “haven’t been yourself” does that mean all of a sudden you’ll start to suck? Thanks for the warning! :o)
And I take my lead on being myself, saying when I am “off” emotionally and occasionally turning off comments from Reverend Dan. He and I don’t agree on everything, but I admire his openness – not something you find among many pastors who are still in the position of actually pastoring.
Anywho, relax. You’re doing fine.
Thanks again, Jim.
Jeff, you’re describing me. Except that I KNOW sometimes I’m cynical and harsh. 😀 If people take offense I just have to apologise. 🙂 I am a professional foot-in-mouth champion. If only it was an Olympic sport.
Jeff,
I’m new here and felt nothing but welcome. Ever.
Wish my comments and e-mails to others were as wise and thoughtful as yours.
And you helped give me courage to type my latest blog entry.
-Sam
Heather–in the foot-and-mouth competition, we could probably take gold and silver. 🙂
Sam–where is your blog? It doesn’t appear on your Blogger profile. I’d be interested in reading it.
Jeff,
Sorry. It’s here… http://samwrites2.wordpress.com/2008/04/03/sometimes-my-aadd-kicks-in-during-praise/ .
Been leaving the wrong address.
-Sam
Have you been smoking pot or something? I’m just asking because some of the kids around here get really paranoid when they’ve been getting high. HAHAH. I’m kidding. You do know that I’m kidding, right?
I’m a lot more sarcastic when I’m trying to work through things or if I’m upset and frustrated about something important to me. It helps me to lighten up my outlook using a bit of humor–not always the right way to go, but enjoyable none the less.
I’ve gone through the struggles you described here, with blogging and not knowing how new acquaintances take the real me. There have been many times of feeling a little unsure and all. But after two years of blogging and nearly 500 posts, I’ve come to find that it’s better for me not to worry how anyone else takes me and to just be myself–even in raw form–in all of its glory (and shame) hahah. There’s no way around the process though.
I’m glad that you are blogging and that you tell your story like it is! Don’t stop. And I say, go ahead and feel “not quite yourself” sometimes. We can all relate!
One of the things about blogging which strikes me is how the written word has little subtlety: humour, voice tone, warmth etc are all lost and so much can be open to interpretation based on the mood we are in when we read.
I appreciated your recent comment at my place.
I think your experience is common. What is the Spirit saying to you?
Transition is a very uncomfortable place to be. Not knowing exactly what God is doing and what He wants us to do. After seeing you the other week I felt like you were still in some transition, but you may be thinking too hard. I felt like you should just let it ride. Turn the think tank off and just flow. Kind of like what you said in the blog about faith, Give up! Enter into the rest! I really don’t think there is anything for you to do other then just Be. Just breathe. Just live. just keep doing what you been doing.