Moments of Truth About Church Worship

Leading worship again in a regular Sunday gathering has been interesting for me. Having been out of that scene for so long, and then walking back in, I’m seeing things with a different set of eyes, and I’m seeing myself as well–how much I have apparently changed.

For one thing, the things about worship and worship leading that I used to get excited about, aren’t so important to me anymore. I’m a lot more relaxed and laid back about a lot of things, I guess because I have a different set of priorities–like how it’s more important to help people connect with God than it is that we get the music all awesome (especially since we have only one quick rehearsal beforehand, little more than a sound check, to make it “awesome” in). I just know we do our best to get ready, then turn it loose and see what happens. And I just don’t feel like getting all intense about that kind of thing when I know worship is going to happen regardless–because of the hearts of the people, not because of how good the music is. Not that I don’t believe in excellence (because I do)–I just measure it differently now, I guess.

Part of what makes me so aware of the change in my own heart, though–and I’m trying to tread lightly here–is when I see other people being all intense about those things the very same way I used to be, placing such a huge amount of importance on things I now see as not-so-important. Not that I’m judging those folks for being so–heaven forbid; that was me not too long ago!–but I guess seeing my former self in them makes me realize how differently I see things.

For one thing–and this is going to sound terrible at first–I just am not that huge into worship leading anymore, at least the way it’s done, and the way I’ve done it for so long. I’ve already been invited to join another worship band for special worship events, and I just can’t get into it anymore. I’m bored stiff with the whole idea; it does not inspire me at all. I can practically do it brain-dead, I’ve done it so much. It doesn’t help much that I have not heard a new worship song that has truly moved me in over ten years; the whole scene has gotten extremely stale, in my opinion.

The thing is–worship leading used to be pretty much the end-all, be-all of my existence. No kidding. I mean, I thought it was all about Jesus, but really, looking back, it was more like I was worshiping the worship. I would defend my particular style of worship by backing it with reasonable Scripture references, but I can now see that I had another motive for doing so than just being Biblical: in reality, I was defending my own sense of legitimacy in that role.

Just to be clear–I’m not dissing “worship”. I love Jesus, and my heart remains toward Him, and I still desire my life to be worship. It’s not worship I’m bored with–it’s the way we’re doing it in church–the whole worship leader thing, the structure, and the subculture that form has generated. The funny thing is, the concept of a worship leader and worship team has existed in the church for less than a century–even less time than the altar call and the “sinner’s prayer” have existed! How ironic that at one time I would have vehemently defended this way of worshiping God as THE way it ought to be done!

As I said, I still desire my life to be worship–but that’s just it: I see my whole life as potentially worship, not just this little segment of doing some songs on Sunday. I’ve realized during this time of deconstruction that there are so many more things that can be worship, and my heart during this season is to explore those things.

So if I feel this way…you might be asking why I would be leading worship in a traditional setting! The answer is simple: I’m not doing it for myself, or to promote some sort of worship ministry career anymore. I’m doing it because I love God’s people, and if it still helps people encounter God, if that’s where they are at, then that’s something meaningful that I can contribute. I’m not against worship leading as a style; even though it’s a relatively new concept in the history of the church, it still fulfills Biblical principles. It’s just that for where I’m at right now, I don’t gain a lot of personal fulfillment from this form of worship. Nor can I get excited over the fact that all I see modern worship music doing right now is making the Christians happy. For many years I’ve seen worship becoming a major part of last-days evangelism, but where we’re at right now, the world isn’t even listening. The worship subculture/genre has just become one more bubble, with its own following (dare I say its own niche market?), and I just don’t see how that’s being effective in reaching beyond our own borders.

What I guess I’m saying by all this rambling is that the creative part of me has grown cold by doing the same thing the same way. There just has to be more to worshipping Jesus than this. And I believe there is. What stirs me inside–what makes me want to be creative–is the realization there are possibilities beyond what I’ve seen so far.

The bottom line is, worship itself has been clarified for me, even as I explore new possibilities for expressing it. I’ve come to realize, more than ever, that the songs we sing on Sundays are not actually worship. The best they can do is evoke a response of worship. The worship is the response of our hearts toward God, and there are many, many things that can evoke that response. I’m leading worship in a church gathering again, but that isn’t what’s moving me right now. Rather, I’m stirred to explore those other things, those other ways our worship can be expressed, and other ways music and the arts can be used to evoke worship besides just this. I guess that’s all I’m trying to say.