One thing that seems common among those of us who are in different stages of leaving the institutional church systems is a feeling of being alone. Of being the oddball, the misfit, the problem child, whatever you want to call it. There is just this feeling that nobody “gets you”, like you are the only person around you who sees things the way you see them.
And yet…because of what you have seen…you just can’t imagine going back to the way things were.
My family’s journey out of institutional Christianity has been a progressive one, but one consistent element is that we feel like utter misfits in our town. We have a strong bond as a family unit, but together we feel very alone much of the time. The churches in our area are very entrenched in their particular way of looking at things, and even when we’ve tried to do some things publicly, while some mild interest might be generated, our out-of-the-box approach is often lost on people. It’s hard to feel like you are the only ones excited about something because you are the only ones who see it that way.
What makes this feeling of alone-ness even more intense is when you realize that at times, even your friends or people walking close to you still don’t “get it.” You’ll be tracking along and all of a sudden, someone will say or do something off the cuff that lets you know that although that person may genuinely love you, they still don’t understand.
I imagine Jesus can relate to this feeling. Never mind that He was the only fully human, fully divine person in existence; that would be enough to make you feel alone in and of itself. But I imagine He felt this way when He proved over and over that He was the Son of God, yet He still had to constantly rebuke His disciples for their unbelief. I imagine He felt this way when He foretold His death repeatedly, only to watch them blink at Him like He was talking a different language. And I can imagine He felt this way during that Last Supper, when He was telling them everything they would need to know–knowing all along they weren’t getting half of what He was telling them.
When people don’t understand, it makes you feel alone. It’s just part of it.
Not trying to over-romanticize this, but I feel like we who are disenfranchised are pioneers of a sort. We are dissatisfied with the status quo, but the shift and change we long for is just peering over the horizon. During this in-between time, alone-ness is just something we have to deal with. I don’t like it, personally, but it is still preferable to going back to the way things were. I don’t think it will always be this way. As God continues to shift His church to a more fluid expression, we will find more community and understanding with kindred souls.
But the alone-ness is still real for us, for now. In the meantime, finding others on the Internet who feel as we do sure helps to take the edge off. I’m thankful for that.
Wayward Son
Musician. Composer. Recovering perfectionist. Minister-in-transition. Lover of puns. Hijacker of rock song references. Questioner of the status quo.
I'm not really a rebel. Just a sincere Christ-follower with a thirst for significance that gets me into trouble. My quest has taken me over the fence of institutional Christianity. Here are some of my random thoughts along the way. Read along, join in the conversation. Just be nice.
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Alone-ness is something I can relate to Jeff. In my spiritual journey as well as my life. I also am so thankful there are a few here and there who seem to understand what I am trying to relay. There is a part of this journey that requires us to have some alone time. But being alone sure can get old. Just like dealing with people can.
Peace
This is so where I’m at, thank you Jeff. I hope you are right that there is change on the horizon, because being alone in your thinking and in your spiritual journey just sucks.
I am fairly new to this whole thing so I can definitely understand. While the alone-ness can sometimes be painful it has also brought about some great learning experiences too. Thankfully I have found a small group of people here locally going through the same thing as well as the larger group on the web. That does help a lot.
jeff – yeah, it can be lonely. i think you described it so well. when everyone around you is just “fine” and doing well in their churches/communities & you’re on the fringe, it’s just hard. i have been a bit spoiled because i have had the refuge for the past two years & believe me, i recognize how rare it is to not have lost community in this process. but this past week we had my daughter’s 8th grade graduation from the conservative christian school she finished up at and so now we are officially gone from that institution as well. i sat in the audience, surrounded by hundreds of people i have known over the years at the school and realized how basically i have become a complete & total outsider. i told my husband that i now know what it feels like for people “outside the church”, oh it is not too pretty; the churched can be so rude & cold toward people who aren’t part of the club. all year i have felt so lonely at every event i have gone to. some of that is me, and i take responsibility for that part, but some is them, too. i think they just don’t know what to do when someone isn’t playing by the rules anymore. anyway, when i went to my car after the graduation i felt this huge sense of relief–we’re out, like all the way out! best to you and your family as you walk through this transition….
“But the alone-ness is still real for us, for now. In the meantime, finding others on the Internet who feel as we do sure helps to take the edge off. I’m thankful for that”
Me Too!!
Of course you are pioneers – as was Jesus with his take on the institutional religion of his day.
Interesting that even though we are a part of an institutional church almost all of our friends.. the ones we hang out with anyway.. are not a part of our church. Until I read your post I never thought that it was a good thing.
Shaun,
I agree that some alone-ness may be necessary. I also recognize that alone-ness makes those fewer kindred relationships so precious.
Dan,
I agree about the sucky part. Hang in there…
Mark,
“While the alone-ness can sometimes be painful it has also brought about some great learning experiences too.” It is my belief that nothing is wasted in God’s economy. There is purpose even in the pain of alone-ness. Thanks.
kathy,
I can totally relate to the gradual feeling of becoming an outsider; it has been progressively happening to us for the past 8 years. Thanks.
“i think they just don’t know what to do when someone isn’t playing by the rules anymore.” Isn’t it the truth?
Barb,thanks for the “Amen” or “Me, too”. 🙂
Thanks, DP. 🙂
KB,
I think it IS a good thing. Thanks for chiming in!