My blogger friend Heidi shared about her deconstruction process on her blog. Here’s some of what she shared:
“I’m not more spiritually healthy though. I’ve taken a definite hiatus from spiritual things. I can tell I’ve lost some ground because I haven’t been disciplined in my Bible reading and worship, although I still talk to God all the time.”
This struck a real chord with me, not because I’m trying to single her out, but because I know exactly what she is feeling.
After the season when my religion failed me, I was spent. I came to a place where I did not want to do my “prayer time” anymore, or read my Bible, etc. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk to God or hear from Him. I had a lot of unanswered questions, but I still loved Him. It was that I knew I was doing those things out of duty rather than desire. I wanted more, and a long season of doing “spiritual” things without much results had shown me that whatever I was doing, wasn’t working.
So I stopped. For the first time since I was eleven, I gave myself permission NOT to have a “prayer time.” I didn’t stop praying or studying completely…but I definitely interrupted the daily ritual.
At first, I felt the guilt. After all–I’m a pastor, I’m a leader, I’m supposed to do these things. (I always felt some tinge of guilt because I’ve never been the kind to spend 8 hours in prayer like some of these big-time preachers brag about; this step just added to the guilt.)
And the most remarkable thing happened–or didn’t happen.
I didn’t backslide.
I didn’t stop loving Jesus. I still talked to Him a lot through my day. When I read my Bible or contemplated the Scriptures, it meant more to me. I didn’t forget what I had learned. I didn’t run out of things to share with my people. I didn’t get any less “spiritual”. For me, this disruption of the routine was actually an important step in re-focusing me on what was truly important about my faith. And this is what showed me the false benchmarks I had placed upon my own sense of spirituality, and how I was measuring my spiritual growth by the wrong standards.
You see, I grew up with the whole teaching that man is spirit, has a soul, and lives in body. I was taught that we need to feed our spirits just like we need to feed our bodies. That was where prayer and worship and Bible reading came in. These were the spiritual things we did to nurture and grow our spirit-man. Sound familiar?
It’s only partly true.
What that mentality doesn’t take into account is that first of all, we are a lot less compartmentalized than all that. We don’t stop doing physical things to start doing spiritual things; we live in spirit, soul and body all the time–all three. And they all interconnect, and one can easily affect the other. This ultimately means that God can interact with us, and we with God, through much more than those things we have classified as “spiritual.” The truth is, if we are spiritual beings, we are all spiritual. No one is “more spiritual” than the other–just perhaps more spiritually aware.
Second…while prayer and Bible reading and worship are all important disciplines, they do not necessarily measure our spiritual health. Somewhere along the way we began to take these as benchmarks for how we are doing spiritually. But if you only stop to think about it, there are too many anomalies for this to be the case in and of itself. There are people who know very little Scripture and pray very simply who act more like Jesus than the lifetime clergyman. And I know of people who study and pray all the time, and can quote Scripture front and back, who behave like absolute butts and give Jesus a bad reputation. Somehow, we’ve missed the point.
Maybe this is why so many of us are going through these different forms of deconstruction. We’re learning that what we thought was important, isn’t so important. We’re learning that while we might do all the right things to look like a good Christian, that doesn’t automatically mean we’re getting closer to God or becoming more like Jesus. There has to be something more. And sometimes to find that “something more”, we have to let go of our spiritual crutches in search of something more real.
Here’s an irony for you. Sometimes we can lean more on our prayer time than we do upon Jesus. And if this is the case…letting go of that ritual is actually the most spiritually healthy thing we can do at that moment.
Now, here’s what I am NOT saying by all this. I am NOT saying you should not read the Bible or pray. If you start going around telling people that I am encouraging people to stop reading their Bibles and praying, I will sue for slander and make a lot of money. 🙂 These things are good, important, and beneficial. You should do them, because they are good for you.
What I am saying is that these things are not the benchmarks for a person’s spiritual growth. These things are not worth as much if they are done from duty rather than desire. And sometimes we need to stop and regroup, and put things back into perspective–so that when we do these things, they are truly lifegiving and not just empty religious ritual.
What I am saying is that when the routines become that important, they stop being lifegiving and start being simply religious. When they become religious, they are dead works that actually inoculate us from the life of God, and we’d probably be better off not doing them until we can return them to their lifegiving purpose.
What I am saying is that we need to focus less on the religious duties of Christianity, and more on the true heart-driven behaviors of Christ-following. We need to trust Jesus for our spiritual growth, not the “spiritual disciplines” themselves. And when we do that, I’m confident that He leads us in the natural rhythms of His grace, and He will lead us into things that are good for us–including prayer, the Word, and other “disciplines” befitting a disciple.
So ultimately, I guess what I’m saying is if you feel something similar to what Heidi feels, or what I have felt, I’d like to help remove the burden of guilt from your shoulders. Be free of the need to measure yourself by some false spiritual benchmark, whatever that might be. If your heart is truly to be a Christ-follower, you can trust Him with your path of discipleship. Not everyone will feel the need to “take a break” from the daily routine, like Heidi or I have done. And there are seasons when a disciplined regimen of prayer and study might actually be very beneficial to someone, and I wouldn’t want to discount that at all. The point is that we are Jesus’ disciples, and He is leading each of us on a journey of faith. And that’s going to look different for different people in different seasons. The important thing is not how much we pray; the important thing is that we are following after Christ.
Wayward Son
Musician. Composer. Recovering perfectionist. Minister-in-transition. Lover of puns. Hijacker of rock song references. Questioner of the status quo.
I'm not really a rebel. Just a sincere Christ-follower with a thirst for significance that gets me into trouble. My quest has taken me over the fence of institutional Christianity. Here are some of my random thoughts along the way. Read along, join in the conversation. Just be nice.
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Jeff,
Excellent post! Indeed, I love how Heidi discussed her thoughts feelings about the season of her Journey. Both yours and her posts caused me to take a pause and ask a question whether, I, myself, am writing posts that could, perhaps, show false spiritual benchmarks…which in no way-shape-or-form do I believe I’ve “arrived” or am further on the path than anyone else. For, I solidly believe that when we begin to measure ourselves or compare ourselves to anyone else in where we “feel” we are at, where Father has us, we are foolish and teetering in dangerous places. So, both yours and her posts were a good reality check for me. I think you (and her) for them.
I love what you said here: “What that mentality doesn’t take into account is that first of all, we are a lot less compartmentalized than all that. We don’t stop doing physical things to start doing spiritual things; we live in spirit, soul and body all the time – all three. And they all interconnect, and one can easily affect the other. This ultimately means that God can interact with us, and we with God, through much more than those things we have classified as “spiritual.”
And here:
“What I am saying is that we need to focus less on the religious duties of Christianity, and more on the true heart-driven behaviors of Christ-following. We need to trust Jesus for our spiritual growth, not the “spiritual disciplines” themselves. “
Amen!
Blessings,
~Amy 🙂
Author of “Orphaned Into Belonging”
http://stores.lulu.com/store.php?fAcctID=2551659
http://amyiswalkinginthespirit.blogspot.com
Jeff:
I would like to comment on what you said concerning true heart driven behaviours that take shape out of the process of letting go and measuring our spiritual growth by how disciplined or undisciplined we are. Jeff, this is a long process for some of us. And God gives us grace upon grace in it, not only for ourselves but for others 🙂
But you know what I think is so wonderful (true heart driven behaviours) is that the desire for community and genuine love for others within whatever community you find yourself within, this deepens, this grows out of that process. It seems when we stop measuring ourselves, on what we need to be doing to be spiritual, we finally can breathe, and focus on How lovely He is and How lovely His body is.
– I know of people who study and pray all the time, and can quote Scripture front and back, who behave like absolute butts and give Jesus a bad reputation. – Ditto that!!!!!!
Jeff – I have found (for me) that when I lay down the ritual “quiet time” I actually develop a ‘real’ hunger to spend time with him. It’s not that I miss the routine- It just makes it all the better when I get there! Good post.
Jeff,
Thanks for this post. I am there right now. Not as much as I was a year ago. But, I have had thoughts that I was perhaps backsliding because I didn’t do those things that we all been told we have to do. Reading the word and praying are good things, but as you said, not when you feel like you have to.
Just reassurance that I’m on the right track. Thanks Jeff.
Blessings,
Gary
Amen and thank you!
Amy,
Thanks for your thoughts; I didn’t touch much on measuring ourselves by others, but that is also a huge issue, isn’t it?
Ruth,
Isn’t it uncanny how much more able we are to focus on others in our community when we get over ourselves? I think that presents such an important point–that when we worry so much about whether we are “okay”, we end up looking inward, our vision narrows, and we cannot see others around us for who they are. When we entrust ourselves more to Christ, we stop fretting over ourselves, and we begin to have eyes to see others and help them in their journeys as well.
Steve,
I have found it to be the same in my own walk. I have much more enjoyment in the God-connection when it becomes a “want-to” rather than a “have-to”.
Gary,
Glad the post was an encouragement. I think a lot of us are going through similar stuff.
Minnowspeaks,
Amen, and you’re welcome. 🙂
Thanks, Jeff. 🙂
great thoughts. I have had this page up on my computer since 5pm and I can't seem to click off of it. I'm torn. I hope you don't mine me rambling and trying to figure this all out…
I totally get what you're saying….but I also believe that we mess things up so much….. we even allow the devil to make us feel guilt over the Spirit's nudges.
What the Spirit wants to use as a way to nudge & convict us to change — the devil wants to trick us to believe is actually heavy guilt & condemnation.
What is wrong in that situation is not the conviction — what is wrong is our heart & what voice we are listening to.
I fear that when we are allowing the devil to trick us into believing reading the Word is a burden… and feeling the conviction of the Spirit is a burden of guilt …. that what we need is to focus on Him MORE not take away the action — but instead ask Him to change our hearts & rebuke the devil.
I undertand that we can't just act out of our minds and ritual — but my point is – obedience to God does come in the form of reading His Word & spending time in solitude with Him. if we have made something a ritual — maybe the thing to do isn't to get rid of the act — but instead just pray for Him to cleanse our hearts and continue to do whatever it is out of obedience and appreciation for Him, trusting He will make it right.
so that's why I'm torn — in my case I don't feel God would desire me to break my obedience to read His Word — but instead would call me to run to Him and ask Him to lift the burden – to remind me that He wants to guide me not burden me.
BUT I also do have times when I don't read the Bible and I don't feeel condemnation or guilt over that and it's not the end of the world……so it's not a ritual — but my point is we shouldn't actively say, "I'm going to stop reading my Bible and having that set prayer time" — I just don't think that that's necessary for all to go through in any way/shape/form… and I don't think it should be anywhere near a first resort when we feel burdened/condemned/ritualistic.
but I don't know – maybe the only want to get rid of the devil who condemns and burdens us and is out to destory — is to get rid of the action or whatever he is making us feel ritualistic about — but a part of me believes that that makes Him win that battle…. that he took away wht God wanted to be beautiful. I have to believe that there must be a better way. God tells us so much how important it is to read His word right? and to spend time in prayer with Him… maybe the thing to do isn't to make the mistake of thinking the action was causing the burden of guilt
because it IS a mistake to think the action was causing the guilt — because it wasn't the action – it was our own heart…. and the ways I know that are most effective for the Spirit transform my heart is in prayer time & The Word. so it seems to me we are not allowing Him to do the work we need Him to do if we take away His 2 best tools. He CAN and WILL still transform us and find other ways —— but the 2 most effective are the word & prayer/solitude with Him aren't they?
ANYWAY my point is that the devil himself and ourselves are the ones causing our issues — and to get rid of him, the devil – maybe we ought to have faith to increase our time in His Word & time in solitude with God — believing God will speak to us and the devil will flee because we pushed through the burdens he tried to put on us.
BUT ultimately I guess it doesn't matter —— the point is ultimately the same — don't allow the devil to make you feel burdened and guilty – that is the devil and not God. however you feel you have to do it – do something
becuase there's no use in "faking it till you make it"
either push through in faith rebuking the devil and not letting him take you away from the word & prayer time
OR
rebuke the devil by getting rid of that prayer time/Bible reading showing Him that you will just get rid of tools that he uses to condemn you – trusting Jesus & the Spirit will still transform/live in you no matter the actions..
PHEW — I'm so sorry to take up all those words to say all that. I hope I made some sense…. if nothing else it felt good to get it all out and I have some clarity.
Randi Jo,
Don’t worry about rambling on…the purpose of the post was to make you think. 🙂 Thanks for chiming in with these important questions…and hope it’s okay to give a bit of an extended response to them…
First…I reiterate that this post was not intended to dissuade people from praying or studying the Scriptures. God does use those in our lives. All I was saying is that these activities aren’t a proper benchmark (measuring rod) for how spiritual someone is.
Second, the key ingredient is to be led by the Spirit, and the Holy Spirit won’t necessarily lead everyone to deconstruct their daily routine. In my own case, it was necessary, and it actually helped my walk with God simply because I was no longer relying on the false benchmark–I was going to God for the right reasons. I did not stop praying or reading the Bible–I simply stopped doing it as a ritual. I prayed when there was something to say; I read when I was hungry to learn or hear from God. These “tools” as you referenced them stayed in play.
Thirdly…you suggested that the devil might turn a nudge of the Spirit into a guilt trip, in a twisted way to try and keep us from these disciplines. On the other hand…I think it would be a great strategy of the devil to put so much focus on the duty itself that the performance of it has virtually no effect on our spiritual health–essentially inoculating us from its benefits. If he can’t forcibly separate us from the Scriptures or prayer (and he has tried to do this several times in history) the next best thing is to fix it so these things have little or no effect on us–by turning it into a religion. Those of us who are de-constructing aren’t devaluing the Word or prayer; we’re just trying to extract the religion from them, so we can reclaim the benefit from them.
The fourth thing comes in the form of a few questions, because you said, “God tells us so much how important it is to read His word right? and to spend time in prayer with Him”…
If you will, consider the following: What did Christians do before the Scriptures were written down for all of us to have our own copy of them? How did the early church as a whole manage to have daily time in the Word, when there was no “New Testament” yet, and when the only copies of the Old Testament in certain towns might be found only in the Jewish synagogues?
Did this negatively affect their impact on the world? Do you feel that the church today, with our virtually unlimited access to Scripture, is more spiritually healthy than these early believers were?
Of course they prayed–a lot. Of course they turned their attention to the Word as much as they could–much of it by word of mouth, as they fellowshiped with one another. The restrictions on these things actually made them more precious to the early believers, just as they do today in persecuted nations.
And that, I think, is the point I’m making. The *heart that turns toward God* is what causes us to turn to prayer and the Word in beneficial ways–not the daiy ritual itself. Because through most of the church’s history, daily access to the Scriptures, especially, has not even been an option. Just some food for thought…
Bottom line, though, is that I’m a pragmatist. If it works, I say, don’t fix it. So if a daily routine is truly benefitting someone, I wouldn’t try to shake them off it. But for someone for whom it is NOT working, I say, give them the grace to find what does work. And that’s what the post was basically about.
yes I agree – the last paragraph you wrote in response to me was my fave and I agree with that wholeheartedly.
I will write back more later 🙂 thanks for the conversation
p.s. I’m curious about something.
I know that we won’t always know the in and outs of the Spirit and how it works…
BUT just curious what YOU thought — does the Spirit transform us completely apart from our actions? will he transform us and grow us without us doing anything but focusing on Him? or does it require some sort of steps from our end to work?
I know we must trust God to change us, transform us, use us, cleanse us, free us…. BUT I just wonder what you feel about how that process occurs – it occurs completely apart from us?
what does the Bible say about the workings of the Spirit and all this…..
more later 🙂 thanks for letting me be here
I just ran across your blog today. What a powerful and intimate portrait of a human life.
I will add you to my bookmarks & more importantly pray for you.
servi servorum Dei
Randi Jo,
Sorry for taking so long to get back on this one (cough cough snif). 🙂
The short answer to your question, I believe, is…both. I believe there are elements of transformation that the Holy Spirit does simply as we yield to Him (2 Cor. 5:17), and that there are elements that occur as we cooperate with Him (Rom.12:1-2, Phil. 2:12, 2 Pet. 1:1-11).
The obvious question, of course, is, what does that cooperation look like? We do have some responsibility in seeing Christ formed in our own lives, and patterned according to the Scripture. But does it look/flow/feel the same way for each person? Is every person’s path of discipleship the same?
I don’t believe so; Peter and John’s paths in following Christ obviously were different (Jn. 21:18-22). Because we are all different and respond in different ways, I think the Holy Spirit teaches us differently. But I do believe the ultimate goal of discipleship is the same: to be like Christ.
M-I-T,
Thanks for chiming in, for the encouragement, and for the prayers.
Jeff,
Oh,yes! I remember it well. You took me back many years to times of struggle.
Thank you for being an encouragement to others who are waking up to the same realities.