It seems there are more people from my past reading this blog than I once thought.
Last night I received a comment from someone who attended the church where we had been worship pastors, someone who was apparently quite hostile….well, I should just let you read a little bit of what this person said:
“…it is interesting that you feel so totally victimized by the “system” and the people that were a part of it. Yet, you seem completely at ease with the fact that you were part of the system that abused our family….Why do you get to play the victim card…but evidently you were the only victims, right? What a hypocrite! What a double standard! Our son ___was a boy who loved to worship and attend church…This young man will not even go in a church. If you ask him why, he credits you…..next time you want to blog about how bad the system is and how your heart is your ultimate accountability blah, blah,blah GAG….look at your own past, if you dare, and blog your hypocritical heart out.”
Ummm…where do I even begin to go with that?
Actually, in the midst of anger, this person makes a valid point. It would be hypocritical of me to judge the institutional system I am coming out of without taking ownership of the part I played in the wounding of others under that system.
In truth, I do own my own shortcomings, fully. I haven’t been very good about communicating that fact thus far.
I try to find something redemptive in everything–even comments like these, when possible–so I wanted to address some of this by writing an open letter to this person, and to anyone else in my past who feels the same way (I know not everyone does). I do this not to embarrass this person (who actually put this in my comments, so I assume it’s okay to post), but because I feel the interaction is something we can all learn from.
Dear ____,
I want to thank you for making such valid points about what you have read on this blog, and comparing that with what you have known of us in past days. I fully understand why you would consider me to be a hypocrite, why you apparently feel I have no platform or right to make criticisms of the institution that I myself used to work to my advantage. But in truth, one is only a hypocrite if he will not own his actions, and that is the part where I feel you have misjudged us both.
There are many years now separating our last contact with one another. The reason you consider me a hypocrite is that you only know the person you parted ways with all those years ago; that person certainly had no right to criticize. Had you known the intensity of refining that has gone on with Shelby and me during this time we have been apart, or how it has changed us, I do not think you would be so quick to label me a hypocrite.
So that we may be clear, here is the truth of our actions, the things of which we are guilty:
- We are guilty of manipulation.
- We are guilty of using our authority and position to control people to our advantage.
- We are guilty of gossip.
- We are guilty of spiritual abuse.
- We are guilty of a lot of other things.
- AND…we are guilty of doing all these things to you, to your family, and to others from that time–and even to some people up here in Tulsa.
These are things we cannot take back, and things we cannot possibly make up for. Neither do we blame the “system” for committing these sins. They were the result of our own weakness, immaturity, pride, and fear. The system we were all under enabled, promoted, even elicited this kind of behavior, but it did not put a gun to our heads. We alone are responsible for these actions. And for them, we are profoundly sorry.
I want to ask forgiveness particularly of you and your family for every instance where we wronged you. I am heartbroken to know about your son, and although I don’t know exactly what I said or did that causes him to blame me for his pain, I do know how I was back then, that I was certainly capable of doing damage. It is my hope that he will find healing in the real Jesus, not the Jesus I mis-represented to him. I hope that you, and he, and any others who were wounded, will find it in your hearts to forgive us.
Please know that as we move forward in this discussion on the blog, I am not discounting my role in the wounding of others. If I had been a drug addict and a pusher, and had gotten clean and left the drug culture, you would not deem me a hypocrite for saying that the drug culture is bad. Likewise, I hope you will not discount my right to speak here, even though I once actively participated in certain abuses I now criticize. I hope you will now begin to understand that this blog is partially about my repentance from dead works to seek a better way.
There is nothing we could say or do that will right the wrongs done to you or to others. All we can say in our defense is that God has shown mercy to us, the same as He shows mercy to you and to all of us. For reasons only He knows, He still calls us and anoints us to do some things, and allows us the chance to do things better for the future, even when we cannot reconcile the past. I hope you will also afford us the chance to do it better, even though you may still be angry with us.
Love,
Jeff
Wayward Son
Musician. Composer. Recovering perfectionist. Minister-in-transition. Lover of puns. Hijacker of rock song references. Questioner of the status quo.
I'm not really a rebel. Just a sincere Christ-follower with a thirst for significance that gets me into trouble. My quest has taken me over the fence of institutional Christianity. Here are some of my random thoughts along the way. Read along, join in the conversation. Just be nice.
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Wow, can I relate to your letter! My husband and I went through a very similar process in leadership and ministry. I’m glad you have been afforded the opportunity to apologize and I hope it brings healing to those who need to have a specific apology. To come out of a system one has bought into for years, is more challenging than what a wounded soul realizes. Hopefully the writer of that comment will come through as well.
We all have our own journeys to walk and everyone is responsible to learn from their own mistakes; to make good choices and to grow and learn and forgive and move on. I can totally see/read how you and Shelby have moved on and grown through all your experiences thus far. It is commendable!!! Way to go.
I actually started my blog by asking forgiveness. It is so important to do this. But one blogger actually took offense at this and said that she could no longer read me. How could I be one thing at one time and yet still come into healing and offer compassion for those who the church had hurt.
You said it well. They don’t know you now. They don’t see the tears you cried as you decided to walk away and then saw all that suddenly became so clear. Please do not let this stop you or cause shame. I know that once I read something like this there is a person whom I want to know.