Let’s just dispense with the diplomacy for a moment…I’ve seen more than my fair share of crap and hypocrisy in my church experience. Actually, being in or near the inner circles of ministry leadership for most of my life, I’ve probably seen more than most. Televangelists hospitalized under assumed names for drug abuse, prominent pastors fabricating medical records for insurance purposes, ministers who turn out to be compulsive gamblers or pedophiles. And then there’s the stuff that happens closer to home. Staff meetings that turn into shouting matches. Church members who engage in power struggles with one another, and sometimes with the pastors. Church boards who mutiny against a pastor with new ideas by tossing his belongings out into the parking lot, and changing the locks on the building (I’ve seen that happen in two different churches in two different states). Pastors who lie through their teeth, gossip, and back stab; pastors who manipulate their people emotionally to keep the advantage, just because they can. I don’t know if you have ever looked in a pastor’s eyes and seen malevolence and evil intent toward you, as if Satan himself were staring you down. I hope you never experience that; it isn’t pretty. In fact, it’s completely deflating, because it leaves you wondering who there is left to trust.
I have been near, or personally experienced, all the things I’ve just described. It’s a wonder I haven’t turned my back on the whole thing. I know of people who have–and I honestly can’t say I blame them.
And yet, for some reason, I have never walked away from God.
I guess perhaps part of it is that I have always recognized the humanness (and yes, sinfulness) in church leaders, having been one myself and walking closely to many others. I have understood the pressures church leaders are under, the inherent need to stay in control. In fact, I cannot sit in judgment of those who have wounded me in the past because I know I’ve done my own share of damage to others. I understand that people often interpret Jesus through the actions of His followers, and particularly the leaders; and when leaders don’t measure up, God sort of gets blamed, or people begin to doubt that any of it was real at all. But I guess for me…I always saw the difference between a good and perfect God and the frail leaders whom institutional Christianity sets up on pedestals with the mandate to be flawless examples of Christ. As a leader, I understood that pressure, as well as the despair of failing to rise to that challenge. So I guess I never blamed God for the failures of the church to act like Him–any more than I could blame Him for my own failures. Whenever I have connected with God, even when facing His discipline–I have seen His goodness, and His faithfulness, in every instance. Even when the people who claim to represent Him act like morons.
And so, because I have been able to see God as good above all the garbage I’ve encountered, it’s been the thing that has inspired me to walk away from the mess in order to try and see God more clearly. That’s why in losing my religion, I am not losing my faith. There are some who might look at my journey and see me as a wounded prodigal. In reality, for me, this has not been a journey away from God, but toward Him. Kind of like getting away from the city lights to try to get a better look at the stars.
How about you? If you have walked away (or are walking away) from organized church, and/or if you have experienced some of the stuff I’ve talked about…how has it affected your relationship with God? Do you feel you are walking away from Him, or toward Him? What does faith look like to you?
Wayward Son
Musician. Composer. Recovering perfectionist. Minister-in-transition. Lover of puns. Hijacker of rock song references. Questioner of the status quo.
I'm not really a rebel. Just a sincere Christ-follower with a thirst for significance that gets me into trouble. My quest has taken me over the fence of institutional Christianity. Here are some of my random thoughts along the way. Read along, join in the conversation. Just be nice.
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My faith is intact after leaving the Sunday morning production. I am eager to live out the gospel, proclaim the centrality of Christ, and stay in the love of my Father.
The institutional church machine confuses me. I have a tough time understanding how the church tax (tithe) fits into the New Covenant and I've seen a bunch of anger, manipulation, and pettiness in some pastors and in the institution at large. At the same time I realize I'm just as fallible as the next person.
My primary desire is to stay connected to Father through Christ and connect with other believers in meaningful ways. Pretty difficult outside the box at times. Plus I'm constantly misunderstood by believing family members. Nevertheless, you keep putting one foot in front of the other. I just hope to allow the Spirit to work in me each day. Things are a lot simpler these days.
Great thoughts Jeff.. I think that you and I have been through many similar experiences.. I love the honesty in your writing. I specifically resonated with this:
"walk away from the mess in order to try and see God more clearly. That's why in losing my religion, I am not losing my faith."
For me it is not so much not doing church in the IC it is just doing it differently.. looking at the IC through different lenses.. and enjoying lesser involvement.. just enjoying God, His kingdom and life in general.
Again – great post Jeff.
I definitely identify with this post. I grew up in church, have been both inside and outside the "inner circle" of leadership there. When the structure and system began to disintegrate, my husband and I found that our faith in God hadn't been shaken, but our faith in those systems and structures had been destroyed. So, even though there are those who would love to judge us as "rebellious" or "lost" or "ignorant" – this journey of faith that we are on has only solidified more and more who He is and how He was our only hope to begin with.
Having been in leadership I have seen many things. I have little care for the institutional church. But I have never lost the truth that GOD is near, and His kingdom breaking out.
In some ways I am glad I have seen these things. I now feel more free to discover that kingdom that Jesus spoke about.
"Other" Jeff,
I've spent much of my adult life being misunderstood by believing family members. I can relate. 🙂 Good to hear from you again.
KB,
I think for me, looking at the IC through that different lens is what helped me see that the institution and the church are two different things–that much of the church is *within* an institution, contained by it…but shouldn't be defined by it. I guess you could put it this way: I've learned the IC is not the C. 🙂 Thanks…
schramfam,
"our faith in God hadn't been shaken, but our faith in those systems and structures had been destroyed." I can certainly relate to that statement.
Mike,
"In some ways, I am glad I've seen these things." I guess in a way I agree with you. The truth, no matter how ugly, is still a freeing element. I don't know if I'd ever have known the bigness of God outside the walls had I not seen those things within them. I'd have stayed content in my ignorant bliss.
As usual, right on the money with where I am spiritually. I actually wondered for years after my bad experiences why I stayed a Christian, but this pretty well sums it up. God is good, despite all the crap that people who claim to be his followers do. I just couldn't get past that fact. He has saved me from so many worse things and I can see his hand throughout my life, more so in the bad times than the good.
One of the marks of spiritual growth, I think, is being able to differentiate between church and God. I'm not anti-church by any means, but when I'm disappointed in the church (not infrequently lately), I need to remember that church is composed of people – broken and sinful, like me.
Dr. Francis Collins (the man responsible for mapping the entire human Genome) uses an illustration to reflect upon what you and I and so many others have experienced. He compares us with leaky, rusty vessels into which the purist water has been poured. The results are obvious to everyone.
Well, growing up like you did (but a lot younger) I've been able to follow God without the influences of the garbage in the IC. I also feel as though I've gotten closer to who God really is without it. The hardest thing to do is talk to people who have grown up in church and still think it's what they need. I'm now attending a church that seems to be made up of people who have all experienced the same thing with the IC. So, hopefully it doesn't become another one.